Walking the Talk

My daughter has been taking ballet for the past few months.  Each week, she pulls on her white tights and pink leotard and we run out the door (always just in the nick of time, of course) to the class, where she spends an hour stretching and jumping and dancing her little heart out.  Last week, however, I took her to a different ballet class, one slightly farther away but a bit more involved, and she loved it. The kids, all of them home schooled, were nicer, the teachers seemed to be more educated in the ways of  ballet, and my daughter was excited when we left to go home.  This past Tuesday, when it was time to get ready for class, she stated flatly that she did not want to go.  Apparently, the other class intrigued her so much that she is "done" with the old one.

I tossed around the idea of letting her stop going; she only had two classes left (now one class).  Then, I considered the message I was sending her by letting her off the hook.  Should I tell her it's okay to drop out of things just because we're tired of them, or is the message that it's best to finish things that we begin a more positive and constructive one (assuming, of course, that the situation one is involved in is a healthy one)?  I called the Hubs for reinforcement of the answer I knew was correct, then talked with the little one about the importance of following through with our plans and sticking with your team until your obligation has been fulfilled.  She wasn't entirely convinced, but she went to the class without much fussing and seemed to have  good time, though she'd hardly admit it to me.

How many things do I follow through on? I try my best most days, but I've felt a lot over the past several months that I could be doing a whole lot better than I have been.  My worst enemy is time; I never seem to have enough of it, but the reason for this problem is largely because I don't manage it well.  My mornings begin early enough, but I find myself caught up in a cycle of email checking, Facebook wandering, and reading that leads me into about three hours of awake time before I'm even considering hitting the shower.

I realize that this is insane, and yet I find myself repeating this habit over and over again, then berating myself when the day is over and my mental "to do" list is still glaringly long and neglected.  My Hub is fond of a saying which I believe to be true but which fills me with dread every time it touches my ears: "Nobody ever found success by leaving the house at noon time."  I understand this, I BELIEVE IT, but still I often find myself leaving the house at 12pm, or 2pm, or sometimes even 3pm, to begin running errands which could have been done at 9am, leaving a great chunk of the day open for engaging in life with Sparkle Fairy, drawing and painting and writing, taking care of our home and our animals.  Today, I squandered away the morning hours and then felt deeply resentful that the work I needed to do for our business took up three precious hours that I wanted to spend doing something crafty with our little girl. Never mind that I could have begun playing with her earlier and then felt absolutely no guilt at doing the work I needed to do in order to help make the money we need so that I can stay home with her in the first place.  And, as if the Universe was in full conspiracy mode against me, our computer chose this particular afternoon to run so slowly and in such a discombobulated way as to make me want to throw it out the window. Our computer is old, and probably needs to be replaced, but it usually doesn't give me so much trouble.  Today, it was as if my own negative energy was seeping through the keyboard and helping perpetuate an afternoon of self-sabotage.  Of course, the real sabotage had occurred much earlier.  It turned out the computer issue was related to the fact that was listening to Pandora Internet radio.  Apparently, the music radio site was too much for the computer to deal with in combination with all of the work programs I needed to have open at the time.  Goddess forbid I work without music, though!
I think it's time for me to begin holding up every moment for just how precious it is.

This means taking into consideration, at the day's beginning, that I have an honest and even extreme desire to make the most of my whole day, and that this might mean cutting back on computer time during the early hours of daylight and displaying a willingness to put the book down before the chapter has been read in full.  I really want to stick to this resolution, because the good stuff that happens when I'm more disciplined with myself is more precious to me than I could ever put into words.

When I prioritize my desires and obligations, life is allowed to take on more meaning, events flow, I don't find myself depressed and defeated at the end of the day, feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life that holds importance for me.  Tomorrow is a new day. I'll rise at 5am, wake up through my Friday morning work out, and then hopefully return home and embark on a new routine.  For now, I need to fold laundry and go to bed.  Otherwise, 5am won't be so happy.

Resiliancy

Life isn't always easy, though some days I find myself kicking and screaming and demanding what I feel would be the better option.  This past Monday, my daughter needed to have four baby teeth extracted (I hate the word "pull" with it's connotations of violence) because her adult teeth are trying desperately to come down, but the baby teeth refused to leave their comfy gummy homes.  Words were spoken between parents and dentists, x-rays were viewed, decisions were made, and Mommy worried and worried and worried about the trauma this experience might be to her little one.  While the visit to the dentist on Monday didn't make it to the top ten list of fun things to do at the beginning of the week, it went much better than I'd anticipated.  The nitrous oxide worked it's magic, the little one calmed, the teeth came out very quickly, and soon we were back home, Sparkle Fairy gazing in the mirror at her new smile.  At first, she seemed annoyed that she was missing the front teeth. By Tuesday, however, life had returned to normal. When I asked her how her gums felt, she announced that she hardly remembered her teeth had been taken out.  Pulling her small top lip upward gently, I could see the adult teeth like two tiny white crowns, read to grow downward.  Hopefully now they will take their rightful positions and we won't have any further trouble. The Tooth Fairie made her silver sparkle appearance on Monday night, and all was well in the world on Tuesday morning.   I'm amazed at the way young children are able to bounce back from life's smaller challenges (which, to little ones and sometimes to us big people too, seem huge), and even to life's larger issues.  My daughter really inspired me this week.

This morning, while sitting outside in the rose garden reading my morning books, I was dive bombed by a crazy dragon fly.   He flew in my face briefly before spiraling upward, over the wooden fence that borders the front yard, and past the big black olive tree.  As I  was smiling in startled glee at that encounter, a tiny, tiny bee buzzed my ear and began to hover directly in front of my face.  We were eye to eye for a moment, little bee eyes gazing curiously into my own green orbs before she hummed once again around my head and flew off.  As my eyes turned downward to my book again, a squabble arose in the huge palm tree by the lake.  Several birds were arguing about something, flapping out of the enormous fronds and then disappearing in the leafy arms again, squawking at one another about some sort of avian issue.  The noise and disruption actually added depth to my morning.  It made me take notice of everything around me, of the life that was happening while I sat in my chair, attempting to steal a quiet moment from the morning.   

In the midst of the clamor, life is good.

Friday and Heading into the Weekend....

This morning I sat outside on our dock, a cool breeze blowing across the lake, reading my morning books.  I don't always sit out there (sometimes the dock is cluttered with fishing poles, tackle boxes, and remnants from the previous day's play activities) but this morning I really wanted to immerse myself in the quiet that I always find when I sit out there.  It's funny that the dock isn't that far from our garden patio (it's not like we live in Maine, on a huge lake-this is a South Florida neighborhood and what we have is more a pond than a lake, truthfully, but it's still pretty and very serene) but the vibe is completely different.  Sitting on those wooden planks, the water element is close, and it's the perfect area of the yard to wake up in.

Alternately, I'll sit at the patio table, an old battered number scavenged from our across the way neighbor's rejected furniture pile on the sidewalk.

I have several different morning meditation-type books, but my favorite is Patricia Monaghan's "The Goddess Companion".  Each day offers insights inspired by a different Goddess; the author offers us glimpses of the feminine spirit from many different traditions; I credit her for helping me to realize that I could gain a lot by not just dismissing a particular religion simply because I couldn't subscribe to all of its tenets. I can learn something from the roots I grow from while still following the wonderful path I've discovered.  Yesterday's reading was about Judith.

 
I love that I can offer our daughter such powerful images of women and incorporate them into our spiritual path.  Also, I'm intrigued by the idea of a connection between Goddess worship and the Hebrews-makes me feel like my Judaism and my Paganism can reside together somewhat.  Of course, I'm mostly Irish with a bit of Welsh mixed in and there's a liberal amount of Catholicism in our family as well, so the Irish Goddesses hugely appeal to me, as well as other things Celtic and/or Irish.

Tomorrow, my girl has her last Pee Wee class-the year and a day ceremony which closes the school year of this beautiful youth group which has meant so much to Sparkle Fairy.  The women who started and who facilitate the classes are amazing, dedicated people who are very active in the local community.  The kids participated in lots of classes this year which included arts and crafts, drumming, exploring nature, and child centered rituals.  I'm very proud of all of the kids for staying dedicated and being a part of the group.  Lucky for me, the women who are responsible for the group are also founding members of the Sisterhood to which I belong, so I will have the opportunity to enjoy their company over the summer.   

I hope ya'll have a great weekend!