It's hard to believe it's been nearly two weeks already. Two weeks of home. Two weeks of being someplace where I know who I am, where I feel the embrace of the land around me, where I know with definite certainty that there are people who love me. The only thing missing has been the Hubby and our animal family; they would complete the picture perfectly.
I have spent the past year, since last year's trip home, trying once again to find my footing in Florida. I've done it by putting on the face everyone wants to see, by throwing myself into the business, homeschooling, and, here and there, into creative endeavors. There have been amazing, magical, and very blessed moments. Lots of them. But there have been dark ones as well. I have wrestled long with the dark times, and I can feel them whispering to me even now, when I'm trying just to focus on having a nice day, not to ruin our last complete day here with sadness and dread. It's difficult.
We have tried hard to make it in Florida, and we have, to a certain degree, been very successful. Over the last year, life has grown more complicated. We've always had dysfunctional people around us in our business, but as we've grown, we've experienced more the harmful effects of these people with respect to our personal lives and how much we can grow the company. And these people are in our home constantly, their energy mingling with the peaceful atmosphere I strive to keep in our home. I'm tiring of the work it takes to constantly clear out the negative. I don't want our business life this close to our personal lives anymore, but I don't see a division in the near future. I'm tired of people I don't want in my personal space working in our yard, hacking at trees I want left alone, invading the one bit of private space I personally had left. There is nowhere to run to anymore to escape the madness. I can't even enjoy my morning coffee in peace anymore because people start coming to our house before the sun peeks over the horizon.
South Florida is a place of transience. I seriously doubt the integrity of most construction contractors anymore, as a large part of our current financial stresses have arisen out of the dishonesty of the contractors we've been dealing with. Everyone here seems anxious to run over everyone else so that they can have more; there is very little loyalty. I feel this in the people who work for us as well.
I didn't realize until I came back home to MA how much I've been raising walls to cope with life. Slowly, over the past two weeks, I've been able to return to myself, and to realize that I hate what Florida is turning me into. I'm not a cynical, bitter person. But I've been feeling a lot more like that over these past few, difficult months. I have to go back tomorrow. But, aside from my Hub, dog, cat, and various animals, and the homeschooling that we need to dive back into, I don't want to. Not at all.