Back to Life as Usual!

Happy Tuesday! We'll be home schooling, and back yard farming and probably having a butterfly release day here.  We've enjoyed our five little jeweled winged beauties for a few days now, and it's time to give them their freedom so they can enjoy fluttering around in the flowers and on the currents of a late May day. 

A New Promise in Every Day

Yesterday began full of promise.  Just looking at my little daughter, snuggled down deep in the covers (or sometimes sprawling out over them) makes me feel hopeful and excited for all the day might bring. 

I'd been dreading the day a bit, not wanting to socialize, not feeling in the mood for a big party, but as so often happens, once we arrived at our friends' barbeque and I saw the people who were there, many of whom I've known for several years, I began to relax.  I quickly found my place in the fray, grabbed a cup of coffee to give myself a needed caffeine boost, and wandered about, weaving in and out of conversation and settling at a table toward the back of the yard, under a well seasoned tiki hut by the water.  

I confess that I've never much liked large parties.  I've always forced myself to attend them, not wanting to appear unsociable and hoping that exposure would whittle down my walls of resistance.  Truthfully, though, I find more joy in the quieter moments of life: sharing a cup of coffee with a friend, hiking in the woods, walking our dog, working on a creative project with our daughter.  I consider myself to be a sociable person, but not a social butterfly.  I do best in small, more intimate groups than I do in large crowds where the noise and commotion can be overwhelming.  

 

While talking with a good friend, she told me she noticed an extra sparkle in my eye, a little bit more brightness about my face, a change of some sort.  I tell her that I've been reading this book, and started a gratitude journal, a blessings list, and it's been effecting me in a very profound and unexpected way.   This is not a book I'd normally read, but a fellow home schooler recommended it in an indirect sort of way, and something about the writing has really captured my heart.  Some healing over old hurts has begun, and a recognition that there are so many gifts we miss out on during the course of a day simply because we're not really paying attention.

I don't know where I'm going with this newest of wonderful spiritual emotion, but I do know it's bringing a greater peace into our home, a better feeling of ease into my heart, a lot more inspiration to keep moving forward when I'm tired and/or grumpy (these two traits usually accompany one another).  Does it matter? Does clinical rationale need to walk hand in hand with such feelings as this all the time? Usually I rationalize and analyze and scientifically pick things apart until I'm very unsure of what it is I hold in my hand.  I wonder if sometimes I should just let go a bit and flow along with the beauty.  I'm an artist-aren't I supposed to be good at that??? Sometimes, moments come in life that present me with feelings not just a tiny bit unlike the feeling I get when I think about attending big parties.  I'm resistant to change, afraid of where it's going to lead me, unsure of what I'm getting myself into.  In this case, I'm not really entering a big change so much as falling back on some old faith, renewing some old happiness.  Trying not to fall back into a feeling of complacency and asleepness. Throwing the window open wider.

 Still dreaming about farms in New England, my northern home, how we as a family might be able to find more joy in the every day process of making a living, how we can become more self sustaining, more able to contribute to the health and well being of others, more spiritually centered and connected together.  More focused on the grace of the everyday bowl of Cheerios and the mangoes in our back yard and the laughter of our child and the blue of the sky behind the clouds of late spring.  

 

It's all about love, in the easy moments and the difficult moments and the times when we feel filled to the brim with happiness and the times we feel lower than dirt.  It's about love; our appreciation of it and our need to give it away and how it inspires us to keep trying.  It's about giving and it's also about being willing to receive. 

Fixing the Broken Stuff

A couple of days ago I walked outside and took a really good look at my daughter's trampoline.  It was a gift to us from a contractor who'd found it at a house in foreclosure, abandoned and looking for a new home.  My daughter was so excited when she saw it, as were our neighbor's kids.  Now, it's a mess, the screens torn off and the poles for the screens bent, a victim of young boys who have all but destroyed it. 

Suddenly struck by the destruction, as well as the fact that my daughter is very upset that her beloved trampoline is now in a sorry state of ill, I found a little lava flow of anger welling up the other day.  How could these kids break something that didn't belong to them? Why does there seem to be no sense of respect these days for the belongings of others? For the feelings of others? Of course, these are young boys; kids who needed to be told with just a little bit more urgency that it was not acceptable to swing on the poles and bend them. These are kids filled with crazy wild, boy energy, and while I still believe that a basic sense of respect for others should prevent destruction like this from happening, I also understand that sometimes crazy wild boy energy trumps all reason.

I think that more than I'm upset with them, I'm upset with myself for not setting boundaries in our yard sooner.  Afraid to offend anyone, to upset anyone too much, I said very little while this drama was unfolding.  Now, I'm not sure that this mess can be fixed, not sure the poles can be bent back and the new net hung to keep the kids safe while they're bouncing around.  Because I said nothing, the kids might end up with no trampoline, since it's unsafe condition is now stabbing at my gut, telling me the whole contraption needs to be removed before someone gets hurt.

How often do we do this with ourselves? How often do we let ourselves become broken when the answers we need for healing are right in front of us? How many times do we refuse to listen to the cries of our souls because we fear the answers might be distasteful to our friends, to our family members? Do we turn away from (dare I write the word) grace because we're afraid of the responsibility that might accompany it? Do we shun the idea of rebirth because we're afraid of the newness it, for sure, will bring?

  When is that nagging voice within our hearts a calling that's trying to break through the spiderweb stickiness of our everyday doubts and fears, and when is it just a pipe dream?  And how do we know for sure-do we ever really know for sure?


This morning, I read a passage in a book which really moved me, and I found myself sitting alone at the kitchen table, tears streaming down my cheeks as I remembered a loss which had torn me violently away from the faith I'd had at that time, away from everything I'd believed to be true.  The bedrock of life turned to sand that day and fell away, and I'd tumbled down a hill of sorts, head over ankles, down and down, into a deep well of confusion, arms flailing in the inky night of despair.  As I was reveling in this sadness, I looked up to see that one of my daughter's chrysalids had burst open.  A small butterfly clung to the wall of the butterfly house, wings still wet from her re-birth.  In the midst of my death reflection, life was born.  I didn't see it because I was so absorbed in the sadness of that moment, but there it was:  life affirming itself.

I think that we really need to be open to the possibilities of who we can be if we become unafraid to occasionally re-birth ourselves.

  It's not about waiting or worrying about a doom day, but instead focusing on a bloom day.  We can take the negative and look for the changes we're supposed to make, listen for the messages within the broken things. Really grow and blossom.

Lots of things seem impossible that aren't.  And sometimes our faith is hiding in those dark corners of the room, waiting for us to throw open the blinds.

Farming Dreams

Once, many years ago, I told a near and dear friend that I had dreams of becoming Amish. Don't laugh; I was at least partly serious, though I'll admit that I was more attracted to the idea of living in community, simply, with a spiritual life and my family as my focus,  than I was to the idea of wearing the same clothing all the time and foregoing make up.  I know those are shallow things, but I'm an artist and I love using myself as a canvas on pretty much a daily basis, and I detest uniforms.  

"You can't just become Amish," she advised. "They don't let you join, I don't think."

"Couldn't I marry in or something?" I asked, somewhat hopefully.

"I don't think they let you do that either," came the reply.

"Okay," I replied wistfully. "But I can dream."

Truly, I think what I was attracted to back then (and still today) was the idea of living more in harmony with the land around me.  I love the idea of living in a community with other people of like spirit, growing vegetables and creating artwork and tending to animals.  I fancy the idea of a life which is largely free of the terrors of the outside world, because television would not be a part of it, either much or at all.  I love the idea of living a life where my spiritual path would be the same as my daily one, where my hourly chores would honor the rhythms of the earth and blessings would punctuate every activity.  

Besides the fact that I wasn't born into an Amish existence, there are other reasons it would never work out.  A few snippets:

Oh, look! The full moon is next week. Time to get the girls together!

This herbal garden is really coming along!  The thyme will be great for spell work.

When I was at the craft store today, I found the perfect sparkly skull for this year's Samhain altar!

Um, yeah, hmmmmm....there would be a few things standing in the way of my blissful Amish experience.  For all of the things I could accept, there would be lots of things about me that would get me ex-communicated. 

For now, I'm contenting myself with our back yard farm, which has been yielding some fresh veggies, eggs, and a measure of grateful satisfaction.  I've been dreaming a lot lately about that farm in the country, though.  I feel a calling in that direction and keep mentioning it to my husband, even though I have no idea how we'd leave everything and begin a farming life.  First of all, neither of us knows anything much about farming.  We would need to do a lot of small time farming first to learn the basics.  My husband is a country boy and knows a lot about hunting, cleaning animals post hunting, fishing, and that sort of thing. He's a mean campfire cook and can rough it like nobody I know.  Like me, however, he grew up more or less in the suburbs. I've lived near farms, but never on one. His story is pretty much the same in that regard.

Now, if I found a community of people living in proximity and farming, that might work.

And so, the dream continues.

Raising Butterflies

We finally sent away for the caterpillars and have been watching their progression to becoming Painted Lady butterflies.  The larvae munched and munched and quickly grew to be caterpillars. It seemed not long after that when they began creating the homes from which they'll emerge transformed into their beautiful new selves. The chrysalids are themselves quite pretty, studded with gold. Now, we watch and wait.


(I had a picture to upload but the app on my phone refuses to work and the computer has been commandeered by a six year old.)

Places from Which to Grow

With the coming of spring, I've been thinking a lot about how, as the weather warms and we move into a cycle of new growth on the earth, we can grow as human beings as well.  For me, spring always welcomes new possibility, new promise, resolutions to do things just a little bit better than I have been and to begin those projects that,  for various reasons, I've been putting off.  Of course, this is easier said than done.  How many times do we tell ourselves we'll begin work on that new painting, start writing our book, nurture a new vegetable or flower garden, etc., only to find that time will not allow such endeavors. Or, maybe, we won't allow ourselves the time for things that we tell ourselves are just fanciful notions anyway, and not really as important as all of these other "important" things we should be doing instead.  And so, using the elements as a guide, I began to consider the ways in which our souls might be nurtured. 

Earth   

We all need fertile ground from which to grow.  This means that everything we put into our bodies should be feeding our souls in some way; not only the foods we eat but the books we read, the television we watch, the music we listen to, the friends we hang out with.  Eating healthy foods, including lots of fresh vegetables and fruit, helps to keep our bodies healthy and our minds sharp, both of which gives us more energy from which to create positive change in our lives and in the lives of others.  But what about the other things I mentioned? I'm a detective show junkie.  I  love watching t.v. shows such as Law and Order, The First 48, Buried Voices, Hidden Secrets, Cold Case Files.  Sometimes I wonder, though, how much the emotions these shows illicit effect me on a deeper level.  Oftentimes, these shows make me sad, a little depressed, and even fearful.  While they're interesting to watch sometimes, I'm beginning to believe that watching them too much takes me down dark alleyways I'd rather not find myself stuck in.  After watching several shows about people plotting to cause one another harm, I sometimes find myself wondering, as I go about my day, what horror might lie behind the half smile of the guy behind me at the supermarket check out, or what those people who live across the lake do behind those constantly closed window shutters.  It's good to be aware that not everyone on the planet is filled with love and light, but I don't want to be imagining that every off comment I hear implies murderous intent or that every shuttered window is hiding a serial killer or a methamphetamine lab.  I also don't want to be carrying the sadness these shows tend to impart around with me all day long.  

The books we read can feed our souls as well.  I love reading fantasy novels and gobble them up every chance I get.  I enjoy wandering through stories that involve magic, fairies, dragons, and creatures which I know only exist in the imaginations of the authors who write these books.  I also read lots of books about spirituality and history.  The books to which I'm attracted tend to go hand in hand somehow with the way I live my life.  For me, spirituality is very important, and reading books which deal with my own spiritual path, as well as other religious ideas, helps me to stay connected on that level.  Fantasy novels allow my mind to relax from the dramas of everyday life, and history books (I tend to read books about subjects such as Ireland) connect me to my roots and help me to better discover who I am and where I come from.  

Music helps us to get into moods-I love listening to bands like Flogging Molly or artists such as Lady Gaga and Pink when I work out,  new-agey types of artists when I'm meditating or trying to get into a magickal frame of mind, mellow music when I need to unwind.  Music has the power to effect us profoundly, which is why I mix up what I listen to.  Listening to loud, quick rhythm music constantly might cause me to become anxious, while lending me ear to too many sessions of soft rock might guide me toward depression.  It's all about balance.  

Air

Besides needing air for obvious reasons, we need open spaces, both in our minds and in our physicality, in which to roam and dream, to imagine and create.  We have to allow our imaginations to wander, our desires to take flight a bit, so that we can zero in on what is important to us and  follow the dreams which pull at our souls.  I believe that it's important to honor those callings which lead us in positive directions.  I have also found that ignoring the songs of my heart tend to mean that they will keep calling to me, in louder and louder voices, until I really listen and take action.  

We also need to understand that words have great power.  The words we speak can create and they can destroy.  We should take heed not to speak destructively, in part because the negative actions we design tend to come back to us as more negativity.  Besides that, cruel words and hurtful criticism of others will only lead to us feeling worse about ourselves.  Think about the last time you were feeling sad and you decided to do something nice for another person.  Didn't it make you think less about yourself and, thus, about whatever was giving your  mind over to the blues? I think that as human beings we're meant to heal one another, thus our spirits soar when we're speaking words of kindness and healing and tend to dive into the dirt when we doing the opposite. 

Fire  

Fire is passion.  Discover what you love and tend to the flame, nurturing it until it grows larger and becomes stronger. Keep tending to that flame, never allowing anyone else to dowse it with their nay-saying, jealousy or other types of negativity.  Warm yourself by the light of that passion, knowing that as you tend to that fire, which is also the fire of your soul, the light you create will radiate outward toward the other people in your life.  When we feel happy and content in our lives, we generally feel more inclined toward helping others to feel that way as well.

There is a Judaic expression of wrapping one's self in a holy flame.  Honor your spiritual path, basking in the bright warmth of it's fire and sleeping in the quiet calm of the shadows.  Allow it to move you down an ethical pathway, focus on it as you might the spear of light created by a burning candle during a meditative practice.   Thinking of your spiritual path as a comforting camp fire, know that the further away you move from the God/ess of your understanding, the colder you will become.  Conversely, when you are close to that fire you will be filled with a warmth capable of reaching down to the depths of your being.  

Water 

Water is the element associated with emotion, so that is what I will focus most on here.  Instead of being  rigid in your life, try to flow like water, strong but also bendable, flowing with the currents.  Don't allow emotion to completely rule your life, but honor your emotions; don't stuff feelings deep within, which creates sickness both emotional and physical.  There are many ways to deal with feelings of anger and sadness besides blurting hurtful words or taking action which could be damaging to yourself or others.  If you have an issue you need to work through, find a spiritual guide, meditate, engage in some therapy, try a support group.  Let the people around you know how much they mean to you through your actions.  Don't hesitate to gift someone with a kind word of encouragement or a much needed smile, or (when appropriate) a hug.  Use your passions to facilitate healing.  Water has the capacity to be gentle, strong, and powerful.  It can also be dangerous when it flows too quickly and in too much abundance,  plowing down everyone and anything in its path.  Don't ignore your emotions, but be wise in the actions you take when you are moved by them.

May your Sunday be peaceful and your week start off with joy and possibility!  

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Parenting

This week, we needed to visit the orthodontist for the first time, to deal with an issue our daughter is having with her teeth.  Apparently, her front baby teeth are very happy where they are, while the adult teeth are trying desperately to come through.  Wiggle though I might, I have not been able to loosen them enough to pop out, and now we've learned that even if they did decide to let go, there isn't enough room in our little one's mouth to accommodate the much larger grown up teeth.  According to the very kindly orthodontist (seriously, he was a super nice guy, the type of person who could  make you relax in the midst of the house burning down), crowding of the teeth is usually caused by the hereditary issue of a small mouth.  Interestingly, the doctor looked at me when he said this, at which time I admitted that, yes, our family is the side cursed with having a small oral cavity. That said, I'm fairly sure there are times when my husband would argue the issue of how small my mouth really is.

The skinny of the situation is that four baby teeth will need to be extracted, the thought of which makes me cringe.  Even though the doctor assured us that in the case of baby teeth such a procedure takes very little time, I have a feeling that this is one of those occasions when one minute will seem to equal ten.  Half jokingly, I asked the secretary scheduling appointments if the parents could have some nitrous oxide while the teeth are being pulled. She laughed quite loudly and said that she'd never heard anyone ask that question before, but I'm sure that the prospect of watching a dentist yank out several of one's child's teeth is enough to make any parent reach for a sedative.  While I know this is being done to help my daughter, there lives within me a primal urge to attack anyone causing her violence, and though my rational mind will prevent this from happening, the sick, uncomfortable feeling will remain.  I feel terrible that she has to go through this, but after talking with the orthodontist and viewing the x-rays of our daughter's mouth, my husband and I both understood why this is the best course of action.  (Insert heavy sigh.)

Driving home, I reflected on how it must feel for a parent to experience a real illness with a child.  Suddenly, I felt grateful that it's only a tooth extraction that our daughter has to go through, and that what we're having done is certain to improve the situation at hand.

   I realized with great clarity that the more I fuss about this situation, the more frightening it will be for my daughter, and that although I want to protect her from every manner of uncomfortable problem, matters are going to arise in her life that are going to be difficult.  Part of being a parent is supporting our kids through the pitfalls of life, gathering together our own fears and not over dramatizing.  Part of being a parent is making decisions that are for the best interest of our children even when at first glance they seem unacceptable. Two days ago I was crowing that nobody was going to pull four teeth from my little girl's tiny mouth.  Today, I understood that not doing so will create much more harm for her than the relatively short period of soreness she will have to endure.

So, now I'm breathing, staying in the moment, and just trying to:

A Thought Before Leaving

Sitting at the kitchen table, munching on a dark chocolate brownie cookie (things really do seem better with chocolate), my mind began to wander. I have a short time before I need to leave the house to attend the second installment of a series of Goddess classes I signed up for; not enough time to pull out my artwork or type away at my book. In lieu of doing either of those things, which tend to focus my mind and ease my anxieties, I'll write here.

Yesterday I was overcome by the feeling that something really great was about to happen. Very often, I'll have such feelings when something bad is soon to occur, but not the other way around. This can be frustrating, and so I was happy to be having this new experience! I'm still unsure of what, if anything, this means. Lots of times I'll have a feeling about something that takes place a week or so into the future; I thus far have only had a handful of experiences where I could see exactly what was going to take place. Today I also have a feeling of dread. With the news constantly broadcasting images of bin Laden and the bloody floor of his bedroom and the underlying fear of future attacks hanging over our heads like a fishing net, it's small wonder I feel uneasy. I'm happy that this man, who I feel had been overtaken by the evil of his own fanaticism, is no longer on this side of the veil. I hope his spirit will be re-born into a human who is kinder and more in harmony with humanity, and that the horrors he orchestrated in our country can heal more for his absence. I have complete confidence in our SEALS, am relieved they managed this attack without injury to any more of our own, and applaud their bravery and perseverance. What troubles me now is that his killing has stirred up the proverbial hornets' nest. While I doubt we were much safer with bin Laden alive, I fear his death might re-energize his followers with a martyr fury. Fueled by rage and with their hatred of us energized by the conception of their leader as a fearless man who went down defending what he believed was right, I fear they might be provoked to attempt something terrible soon. With our families so spread out around the country, this causes me further anxiety.

I hope I'm wrong, and I don't think that the feelings I have are related to any issues of nationwide importance. Still, my discomfort level has been raised by the events of the past few days. Images of the twin towers falling still haunt me, as I'm sure they do most Americans old enough to remember that day. I awoke with a renewed realization that the world can truly be a frightening place, that the innocence I once possessed has been forever erased, that sometimes it's all too easy for people to be pursuaded into evil for the sake of their twisted version of faith.



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Catching Up

I've been finding blogging to be a difficult endeavor lately, thus I have been neglecting this site badly. I've been short of time to read blogs or post on my own, and even now I only have a short moment to write. This is a good thing, I suppose, since all of the things that keep me busy enrich my life and I would be a sadder person for not having so much energy swirling around me.

Beltane was a fairly quiet affair for us. We attended a festival at the local UU Church (my first holiday festival, actually), narrowly missing the May pole dance due to a car emergency. We had to go home early to pick my hub's car up from the garage, but I'm glad we got to partake of some springtime revelry with a bunch of cool people.

The year continues to move forward and I'm feeling in my bones how things are shifting in my life. The Universe reveals so much to us when we approach our lives with wide open eyes, but sometimes the changes are very subtle. I think that many people, expecting that spiritual messages have always to arrive in a bang of white light, miss the messages which try to reach us in the ordinary moments of our days. I experienced a wonderful meditation a few nights ago. While deep in a state of quiet and peace, I asked my spirit guide why I still feel such a hole in my soul when I already have so many blessings. The answer I received was straightforward: you're an artist who isn't creating, a writer who isn't writing, a passionate person who isn't using your passion toward a cause you believe in, a spiritual being who is just beginning to delve into a much deeper spiritual experience. You're a lover of mountains trapped in a flat landscape. You have many deep needs that need to be filled but are being neglected, and if you want to feel whole you must do the things which are meant to keep you that way. Reading this, the message might seem very negative, but it really wasn't. The message, as the conversation continued, was that being aware of our deficits hands us responsibilty for getting off our butts and taking the action we need to take. If I know I'm trying to do this, then I don't feel like such a powerless victim, and things can truly begin to happen.

Peace!

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