Walking the Talk

My daughter has been taking ballet for the past few months.  Each week, she pulls on her white tights and pink leotard and we run out the door (always just in the nick of time, of course) to the class, where she spends an hour stretching and jumping and dancing her little heart out.  Last week, however, I took her to a different ballet class, one slightly farther away but a bit more involved, and she loved it. The kids, all of them home schooled, were nicer, the teachers seemed to be more educated in the ways of  ballet, and my daughter was excited when we left to go home.  This past Tuesday, when it was time to get ready for class, she stated flatly that she did not want to go.  Apparently, the other class intrigued her so much that she is "done" with the old one.

I tossed around the idea of letting her stop going; she only had two classes left (now one class).  Then, I considered the message I was sending her by letting her off the hook.  Should I tell her it's okay to drop out of things just because we're tired of them, or is the message that it's best to finish things that we begin a more positive and constructive one (assuming, of course, that the situation one is involved in is a healthy one)?  I called the Hubs for reinforcement of the answer I knew was correct, then talked with the little one about the importance of following through with our plans and sticking with your team until your obligation has been fulfilled.  She wasn't entirely convinced, but she went to the class without much fussing and seemed to have  good time, though she'd hardly admit it to me.

How many things do I follow through on? I try my best most days, but I've felt a lot over the past several months that I could be doing a whole lot better than I have been.  My worst enemy is time; I never seem to have enough of it, but the reason for this problem is largely because I don't manage it well.  My mornings begin early enough, but I find myself caught up in a cycle of email checking, Facebook wandering, and reading that leads me into about three hours of awake time before I'm even considering hitting the shower.

I realize that this is insane, and yet I find myself repeating this habit over and over again, then berating myself when the day is over and my mental "to do" list is still glaringly long and neglected.  My Hub is fond of a saying which I believe to be true but which fills me with dread every time it touches my ears: "Nobody ever found success by leaving the house at noon time."  I understand this, I BELIEVE IT, but still I often find myself leaving the house at 12pm, or 2pm, or sometimes even 3pm, to begin running errands which could have been done at 9am, leaving a great chunk of the day open for engaging in life with Sparkle Fairy, drawing and painting and writing, taking care of our home and our animals.  Today, I squandered away the morning hours and then felt deeply resentful that the work I needed to do for our business took up three precious hours that I wanted to spend doing something crafty with our little girl. Never mind that I could have begun playing with her earlier and then felt absolutely no guilt at doing the work I needed to do in order to help make the money we need so that I can stay home with her in the first place.  And, as if the Universe was in full conspiracy mode against me, our computer chose this particular afternoon to run so slowly and in such a discombobulated way as to make me want to throw it out the window. Our computer is old, and probably needs to be replaced, but it usually doesn't give me so much trouble.  Today, it was as if my own negative energy was seeping through the keyboard and helping perpetuate an afternoon of self-sabotage.  Of course, the real sabotage had occurred much earlier.  It turned out the computer issue was related to the fact that was listening to Pandora Internet radio.  Apparently, the music radio site was too much for the computer to deal with in combination with all of the work programs I needed to have open at the time.  Goddess forbid I work without music, though!
I think it's time for me to begin holding up every moment for just how precious it is.

This means taking into consideration, at the day's beginning, that I have an honest and even extreme desire to make the most of my whole day, and that this might mean cutting back on computer time during the early hours of daylight and displaying a willingness to put the book down before the chapter has been read in full.  I really want to stick to this resolution, because the good stuff that happens when I'm more disciplined with myself is more precious to me than I could ever put into words.

When I prioritize my desires and obligations, life is allowed to take on more meaning, events flow, I don't find myself depressed and defeated at the end of the day, feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life that holds importance for me.  Tomorrow is a new day. I'll rise at 5am, wake up through my Friday morning work out, and then hopefully return home and embark on a new routine.  For now, I need to fold laundry and go to bed.  Otherwise, 5am won't be so happy.