The Painful Possibility of Time Traveling

I recall reading once about the possibility of time travel.  I'm not sure if the writings were by Albert Einstein, but I think they were, and he wasn't saying that time travel was definitely possible, but rather that, according to the law of physics, it was theoretically possible.  There is a big difference in something being theoretically possible and completely do-able, but my heart still leapt just a bit at the prospect.  As I considered the matter further, however, I realized the difficulties that doing something such as this might present.  I wasn't thinking about heading into the future (I have no desire to see how everything is going to turn out ahead of time) but, rather, wandering back into the past.  I would love to see my father again, and to spend some time with other beloved people who have crossed the veil into another existence apart from my own day to day life.  I'm not sure that I would be able to refrain from trying to alter what happened in my Dad's case, though, no matter how much doing so would most likely see me in a completely different life from the one I have now. If my Dad had not died in that accident, I probably would not be living in Florida, would not be married to my husband, would not have ever given birth to my beautiful daughter, would not have been available to be a mommy to the stray cat who was left at our apartment door that autumn day a few years back.  I'm awed by how tremendously every small and large decision can impact our lives and the lives of others, for good or for ill.  If I could go back in time, I'm sure I'd go visit my Dad that day. I was supposed to go see him, was supposed to spend that day with him, but I needed to write an art history paper; it was part of our final classwork before the year ended.  Later, when I received the paper back from my teacher with notations made, recommendations of things he wanted to see changed for a better grade, I refused to make any changes at all and just turned it in as it was.  I looked at that paper as the reason I hadn't been home, the reason my Dad had hung out with a friend of his, the reason he'd been on that bad corner on his motorcycle, the reason he'd had that accident.  I no longer gave a rat's ass what grade I got on that cursed art history paper. I wished I'd taken it with me and worked on it at his house; maybe that last ride would never have happened. 

There are a few other things I'd like to alter as well.  But would doing so be right? Part of me thinks that yes, it would be, because so much pain could have been averted had a few decisions been made in a different direction, not just on my part, but on the parts of other parties involved. One of the most difficult aspects of life is how clearly we are able to see the components of situations after events have taken place.  How could I have known what the cost of staying at school that early spring  day would be? Or how much my cousin probably could have related to me, how much I could have helped him had I fully understood the inner turmoil he was experiencing?  I supposed it matters little now, but these are questions which tortured me in the days and even years after their deaths. The "what ifs" have great potential to break a mind, if we allow them to needle us for too long.  I've stepped back from them for the most part, understanding that life has continued in the way it has, that other, better decisions have been made which have created new life, new wonderful possibilities.  We can't see ahead with twenty twenty vision; it just isn't part of how life works. The future is a mystery until it arrives and we can only learn from our mistakes.

As far as traveling backward and not changing anything, that too would be difficult and much more painful than my heart could keep beating through.  To spend time with loved ones, knowing that their lives are going to end soon, feeling the poignancy of those last precious words, hugs, kisses, laughs-how could we endure such things and remain anchored in the sanity which lets us move through this world as productive human beings?  These moments are meant to be experienced in the present, fully embraced and appreciated for what they are. I'm reminded now of how important it is to savor these times, that understanding how fragile life is can be a catalyst for loving better, for living more fully and in a greater state of awareness.  I can't go back in time, but I can live more fully in this time.

I know I can't walk backward down the pathways of yesterday; it's not possible for me to wander back twenty or so years into the arms of my Dad.  Nor is it feasible for me to be a small child, decorating the tree at Christmas to the sounds of 70's music, my parents joking and talking happily in the background as I carefully placed colorful glass balls on our fake tree, mesmerized by the magic of the season.  I can't sit in my Papa's lap, smell my Grampa's pipe smoke, experience the reassurances of my always optimistic Gramma, run through those backyard woods that seemed like huge forests to my seven year old mind.  I can't go to lots of those very much missed places, except in the wonderful rooms of my memory.  And I can't dwell even there for too long, because I'll miss out on the beauty of what is happening right now. 

I can't go back. Going back would probably be an invitation to catastrophe.  But my heart still longs for those I miss. 

Travel Plans

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” – Jack Kerouac


Yesterday, I booked our flights to and from Boston.  I'm happy that the arrangements have been made and excited that soon I'll be back in the arms of my mother state and among family.  Of course, there are always snaggles in any plans I make and this time is proving to be no different.  Last year, I went up to Mass. alone with my daughter.  Being a business owner, my husband often finds getting away difficult because if he's busy he needs to be here to get things done.  This year, he decided to come up anyway, albeit for a shorter time than we are, which is okay because this allows my Mom and I time to spend alone with Sparkle Fairy.  Lots of the activities we enjoy are not things the Hub Man would be interested in, so if he was there for the duration he'd most likely be bored, and I'd feel bad and, well, you get the picture. 

The snaggle in this otherwise beautifully woven vacation plan is that many of the people in my family don't talk with one another, so every time I go home to visit I need to commence running around to several places or risk missing out on spending time with someone.  Every year someone ends up with hurt feelings, or angry.  Since nobody is in my proverbial shoes, no one knows how I feel being placed in this position, but that hasn't stopped some well intentioned relatives from offering their solutions or criticising me for not choosing the correct plan of action.  I see my Mom once a year for far too short a period of time.  I want to see everyone, but I don't want to miss out on spending as much time with her as I can, and so these trips can be very difficult from a logistical standpoint. It would be so much easier if we just lived there.

Still vision boarding.....

A Change is Gonna Come

There's something in the air, a whisper of hope born of longing, a feeling that real and positive change is coming. I can't quite put my finger on why I feel this way; there haven't been any omens or winning lottery tickets in my life, nothing really obvious to assure me that the work I'm doing is going to bring about good things. I'm a big believer in the idea that we help to shape our own destinies, though. If we truly want to see growth occur and dreams realized, we need to get our hands dirty. Vision boarding helps (I'm engaged in that too), and a little extra sparkle thrown into the mix is grand, but hard work has to follow. Rare are the times we're handed anything for free, and, anyway, we value things more when we've worked for them! Our work is also like a beacon blinking to the Universe, saying we're ready for and worthy of the realization of our goals.

Time to get back to work!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Few Slices of Life

It's been difficult for me to write lately time-wise, but I'm trying!  Our yard has been going through the changes of summer, with some things shriveling away to nothing in the intense Florida heat and other plants dancing for joy. Our blackberry vine is climbing happily up the fence:

I picked a few brown leaves off of her yesterday but have also discovered the small green beginnings of berries and every so often wind the growing tendril of plant through the fence, hoping that the neighbor's gardening crew won't mistake it for a weed and hack it down. 



Of course, we also have a few chimes hung here and there, making music in the summer wind.

Well, short and sweet for today! Blessed be this fair Tuesday!