It's been a rough week. Emotionally, I have been all over the place, some moments wrapped in the sheer bliss of motherhood, other moments lost in longing for home and sadness for what seems too far out of reach. Swirled into the soup of my own life happenings have been feelings of deep sorrow over the tornado in Moore, Oklahoma. Today I found myself sobbing during the CNN newscast, overflowing with grief for the children lost and the lives shattered.
In the midst of my uncertainty and chaos, I've also found a sense of resignation and willingness to stay in the moment and see where life takes me, and us, when I do the right things and cherish the hell out of all the blessings that stretch before me each day.
It seems that this small step in the direction of living in a more open way has sparked the artist in me again. I've been working on various pieces of artwork, feeling a gusto for spending fun time with my daughter, energized toward life in general, and realizing that I need to step outside my comfort zone in a few areas of my life. The work/homeschool/play/spiritual/family balance is still a tricky one to strike, but I've been making lists, prioritizing, and refusing to allow everyday life to squeeze the joy out of parenting. I've been walking around in an anxiety ridden daze over the past few months and it's been getting me nowhere except more deeply into a mire of perceived failure. I can't sit in that briar anymore. Time is too swiftly moving, my daughter is growing too quickly, and my creative urges are screaming for attention. An artist who isn't creating tends to dance on the edge of crazy. I'm not talking about an eccentric, kooky sort of crazy, either. I'm referring to depression and an inability to eek the wonder and magic out of life that is always inherent but not always noticed.
So, I think I'm traveling through a highly transformative period in life. My intuition has been turned up; my sensitivity is either getting stronger or I'm better learning how to be open to the images and ideas that reveal themselves and to figure out what they mean. My connection to nature and to the whole web of life has also been powerful as of late. In most respects this feels wonderful, though it also occasionally leads to sobbing episodes over the sink after the nightly news has told the day's tales and dinner is being readied. I have known I was an empath for many years; I'm still learning how to deal with it.
And so, I bid hello to a new awakening. I'm hopeful, but I understand that there is much work to be done, and I don't expect that it will all be neat and easy.
