Life Changes and Changes Us

Just yesterday, I was in my room in Westwood, a can of Aquanet in one hand, a hairdryer in the other, spraying my hair into some unnatural position and getting ready for a night of fun with some longtime friends. My grandparents were alive and well and watching television downstairs; my aunt was nearby, watching television in either the living room or her bedroom and resting after a long day at work. The night was wide open and so was I, ready for whatever those glamorous, dark hours of the day would bring. Ah, to be so young and free!

Fast forward several years, and here I am living in Florida. My Grandparents have both passed, though my aunt still lives in the same house, a house I still consider to be my home and in which I always feel comfortable and welcome. I shun hairspray vehemently, don't have time for excessive hair drying and am usually sleepy by 8:00 p.m. How life has changed! I was reflecting on how dramatically my daily routine has been altered, especially over the past five or so years, while attempting to drink my morning coffee around the cat I'm watching for a friend (she's a very sweet cat, but has no concept whatsoever of personal space). The day began with my husband and I waking up and attempting some of that husband and wife intimacy that usually falls largely by the wayside once children enter the picture. Somehow, it always seems to me that our daughter possesses some inner radar which alerts her the second a kiss is exchanged between N and me. This morning was no different; suddenly, a little head appeared at the foot of our bed and a soft thud could be felt as she sprung up onto the mattress to join us. Whoosh! That illusive bird of lust and loving caresses was rousted from her perch and she flew off into the great blue yonder with an alarmed screech. Intimacy prevailed, but it was altered from that of husband and wife to that of cuddly family. Still delicious and wonderful, but not at all the same. Moments later, N sprung up to get ready for work and, after snuggling with our little one for a time that never seems to last long enough, I followed his lead, wandering out to the kitchen while silently praying that he'd put the coffee on (he had). The morning hours are usually my quiet time, the portion of the day when I prepare my lists and ground and center. I like to enjoy breakfast, sip my coffee and do a little reading (the only reading I will have time to engage in until bedtime, when I will probably be too tired to read more than a paragraph before falling asleep with the book on my face). This morning, after N left, I commenced my usual routine, only to be interrupted by our little one, who was now wide awake way too early and ready to take on the world. In sheer desperation, I turned on cartoons; bad, I know, but the only way I could be assured of any peace at all for a short period of time. While this is not a fail safe option (every few minutes her sweet face would appear at the kitchen table to report the goings on of Mi How Kai Lan), it does help a little. If I don't have this quiet time, I'm a bear for the rest of the day, which makes me an ineffective and dreadful Mommy, so a few cartoons are sometimes just what the Mommydoctor ordered. Two loads of laundry have already been almost completed, another swishes around in the washing machine, a day of schoolwork lies ahead of us, the chickens still need to be fed, and the dog is pacing because he desperately needs a long, adventurous walk. Guilt is plaguing me like Edgar Allen Poe's raven because I have decided to take a few minutes of creative time to write, but I've realized lately that it's important to take these moments here and there, even if it means showering and getting dressed at speeds that would rival Buzz Lightyear.

The wonderful and interesting thing is that, with all of this mayhem and madness spinning my life into delightful chaos (and sometimes not so delightful chaos-ahem), I have found more peace than ever in the things that ground me-reading, writing, artwork, and stolen conversations with my husband and with friends. I find that I'm grateful for the life my life is now filled with and sometimes taken over by, for the happiness I glean from my husband, daughter, and animal companions. The free spirited me still dances below the surface of my being, but she's more rooted nowadays, less free floating and carefree because I have so much to care about, so many to care for and so many who care for me.

And so, to quote a line from the movie, Hitch: "So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them."