Reflections on Family

We spent a great weekend hanging out with my husband's family from Germany-his cousin and her teen-aged daughter. We went for dinner one night at a restaurant on the Dania Beach Pier, spent a day at Holiday Everglades Park enjoying an air boat ride through the Everglades and an alligator show (being on vacation in Florida, they wanted to see some alligators before they headed back home), then went to South Beach that night to have dinner and see the sights (it was a mob scene and I will be reluctant to return to Miami until the crowds have thinned a bit-way too much testosterone floating on the ocean breezes). Yesterday I whipped up a big pot of pasta, my Nana's famous (in our family, anyway) chocolate chip Mandelbrot and a salad, and we all ate dinner together, happily immersed in conversation about everything under the sun. When it was time for them to leave, my daughter was so unhappy with parting. She really enjoyed spending time with family, and I felt so sad for her that she doesn't have too many occasions to experience that. When I was a child, I took it for granted that I was surrounded by family. Every holiday was an occasion for us to gather, eat yummy food, laugh together, and catch up on the daily events of our lives. Nowadays, these get-togethers are relegated to a couple of times a year (more, if we're very lucky). I see my Mom about once a year, and my heart breaks when the time comes for us to board the airplane and head back to Florida, not only for myself but for our daughter, who I wish could have a closer relationship with her (as I did with my own Grandmothers).

Family connects us to our roots. When I was sitting at our kitchen table, watching our little one interact with her cousins, I was struck by how great it was for her to have the chance to do so-she was connecting with family who still live in a place of her genetic origin, who are still rooted to that land, the way my great grandparents were rooted to Ireland or Amsterdam. I examined their faces for traces of recognition: could that curve of chin be the same as my daughters? I was raised with the belief that family is intensely important and that our links to one another are priceless, and I carry that belief with me to this very day. That said, many days I find the separation to be painful and difficult. I wonder if this physical distance will always exist between myself and my own family and I try not to dwell on those thoughts because I can't find resolution there. Still, I look forward to visiting Massachusetts this summer, to seeing the beautiful, familiar expanse of coastline as the plane makes its way closer to my birth home, to finding myself once again in the arms of those I love who are usually so far away. I have the gut feeling that I belong there; my spirit feels at home in that environment more than it does anyplace else, though it took me time away to realize that this visceral link existed. Deep within myself, there lives a feeling that I will not be far away from this land indefinitely, but that conviction brings about its own fears. I can't imagine a happy scenario that would bring my family here up to Massachusetts, and leaving here would invite sadness as well, the sorrow at leaving friends and the places that have become familiar over the past several years. I suppose I need to find trust in the Great Spirit, go about my daily life trying to do the right thing, and simply bask in the wonders of the here and now, as I try to do every day.

I once read that deep within the heart of many an immigrant lives the spirit of longing for home. The Universe hears this cry and tries to respond, as it does to many of our thoughts, both conscious and subconscious. I only hope that the answers I receive are rooted in balance and happiness for all.

(Perhaps I should have labeled this post "melancholy Monday"?)