On Being a Mom

I once heard that being a mom comes naturally, that once you step into the role, you just do what you need to do out of instinct. I think someone told me that to ease my worries, but I have found it to be not completely true. And, believing that every other mother in the world must know how to raise a child more effectively than I did caused me further worry. While the nurturing aspects of motherhood did come very easily for me (I was the type of mother who was talking to her child in the womb-before she even had ears), the organizational aspects did not. It has taken me every minute of these past nearly six years to arrive at the point that I'm at now, many of those minutes filled with fear and anxiety over how I could never get my child anyplace on time, how I could never seem to do enough to energize her mind, etc., etc., etc. I believe that most mothers agonize over these issues, but I truly feel that when it comes to being an organized, on time, full throttle mommy, it's taken me more time than the average bear to get the hang of this thing.

As a child, I was a laid back soul. Moving into the teenage years, I pretty much kept up that aspect of my personality, to the point that I began having difficulties getting to places on time. I particularly struggled with this in college, though some of that was linked to problems with anxiety. The other part of it, the habit that followed me after I graduated, was an inability to stay focused on my goals for the day. I am so easily distracted that, if I'm not careful, I will spend four hours puttering around our home when I should be somewhere else. The problem today is that I have a little girl who counts on me to get her to classes and field trips and movies and everyplace else on time. When I fail in this I feel I've failed her, and that hurts very deeply. Therefore, when the secular year broke into 2010, I made a resolution (in spite of the fact that I'd previously made a resolution not to make resolutions) to start being on time, not just for my daughter's engagements but for mine as well. I hate being late; it causes me stress and upsets the people who are waiting for me. And I hate not being organized as well, because if I don't start the day off on the proverbial right foot and early, there is no way I can accomplish everything I'd like to (or need to) in the hours I have ahead of me, and I spend the duration of those hours rushing around like a mad woman. This is not comfortable for me or my daughter, and it leaves me with scant time to play with her and just enjoy those special moments that happen during the day. Little things like wild flowers on the side of the road during a stroll (my daughter loves picking a few and giving them to me to put into water when we get home), watching that cool way our dog tips his head to the side when I ask him if he wants to go for a walk, nuzzling my cat's neck, pausing to check out my daughter's newest artistic creations, are all precious moments that don't occur quite the same way twice. We miss so much of the good stuff when we're stressed out because we wasted away time earlier in the day and are struggling to catch up.

Now, six years or so into motherhood, I feel like I'm beginning to relax into a comfortable rhythm, and to be okay with letting go of that bohemian type of existence. I've taken my daughter to a couple of events this week and we were on time for both and unstressed when we left our home because I allowed her enough time to wake up slowly and not rush through breakfast. I'm exploring fun things we can do over the rest of the summer and beyond, and looking forward to the coming homeschool year with nervous anticipation. I'm loving following a schedule of sorts (while I love eating dinner at 6:00pm, I haven't always been very good at getting dinner on the table for that time). I'm beginning to learn the skills that both my mother and grandmother seemed to magically possess. We were always out of bed on time, in bed sleeping on time, eating dinner on time, at roughly the same point on the clock every day. There was a continuity and rhythm to life that I remember finding security in. Of course, there is always wiggle room for special occasions and those days when life doesn't quite work out the way we've planned it. But there is also the comfort of knowing that yes, we will be able to make that 10 a.m. appointment on time, or being fairly sure that we will be eating dinner before 8:00 p.m. I will always be the artist, the creative soul, the somewhat free spirit. Today, though, I'm also a Mom. That's the most precious role I've ever played, and I intend to fill it with as much gusto as my body, heart, and soul can muster.