New Link on My Page

To the right of my posts, I've placed a link to a suicide prevention page.  My hope is that anyone visiting my blog who is having thoughts of suicide or knows someone who is or might be, will visit the site.  I've wandered through it and it looks very helpful, and as this is a subject close to my heart I decided to place the banner on my page. 

Several years ago, when I was still in college, I received a horrifying telephone call from someone in my family (I can't remember who as I was so traumatized afterward that I remember very little about that night other than my friend's room mate offering me a shot of Jack Daniels in sympathy).  I was visiting with my boyfriend at the time, and ill prepared for the message that my beloved Uncle had killed himself by carbon monoxide poisoning in his vehicle.  Unbeknownst to me, he'd made attempts in the past, apparently plagued by the same wretched depression that has chased down many members of my mother's side of the family.  My Uncle was father to three children, all of them young, two of them very young, and his death was devastating to all of us.  To this day, I think of him often. As an adult, I find myself relating very much to the way he used to view life and wish I could pick up the phone to talk with him, and to hear his wry humor again. 

A few years after this incident, the manager at the Boston print shop where I worked hanged himself.  He was a sensitive soul who, coincidentally, had the same first name as the Uncle I mentioned above.  No one expected this-my friend had always been possessed of a sarcastic wit and a biting sense of humor, and these things seemed to help guide him through the more difficult aspects of life.  I have a few ideas with respect to what pushed him over the edge, but they're mere speculation and I won't post those thoughts here.  I suppose that, all of these years later, the reason for his suicide doesn't much matter.  What does matter is that the world lost a good person, someone who helped people who needed money by letting them do small jobs at the shop, provided people with the opportunity to learn as much as they were willing to try, was a mean color matching whiz (very important in the screen printing industry), a fierce pool player, and a true friend once he let you beyond the sometimes tough veneer.  I miss him. Thinking about him, and writing this paragraph, I miss him all the more.

Just before the birth of our daughter, a very special and close friend ended his life by suicide.  This is still a difficult memory for me.  Our baby shower took place at the home he shared with his wife, a home where I'd also been guest at many holiday dinners, I'd attended his beautiful marriage on a South Florida beach a few years before, and I knew him to be kind, funny, and highly intelligent.  He is missed horribly by so many people, not the least of which is his wife, who was devasted by his passing.  I still have a book he lent to me a few years back; he'd told me to keep it until I'd had the chance to read the whole thing.  Every time I glance at the cover or turn the pages, I remember him and wish he could've stayed with us awhile longer.  

About a year ago, our neighbor across the street died from suicide by firearm.  My husband had become fairly close to him, and he was well known and respected in the horse racing community. This past month we planted a lemon tree in his honor because, disturbed greatly by his death, I meditated quite a bit and kept receiving the message that a lemon tree should be planted.  After conducting some research, I learned that lemon trees are symbolic of friendship, clearing away negativity, faithfulness, and the human heart.  Also, I discovered that in Judaic tradition it is believed that planting a tree in honor of someone who has passed helps to elevate that person's soul toward God.  I have felt healed of the horror of his death after planting the tree (I felt terrible that he'd been going through such torment and that we, living just across the road, had not been able to help him), and I like the idea of his soul being elevated, since he was in so much emotional pain toward the end of his life.  The violence of how he killed himself bothered me intensely, and so the lemon tree as a symbol of clearing away negative energy is nice, and I tie faithfulness in with the idea of a forgiving God(dess) who has accepted our friend's spirit and begun covering him with healing.     

The suicide of a loved one can leave survivors feeling sad, confused, angry, powerless, and depressed.  If you have experienced depression, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, etc. and are considering suicide, or if you are dealing with the recent (or not so recent) suicide of someone close to you, you might consider checking out this link.  "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me" by Susan Rose Blauner http://www.amazon.com/Stayed-Alive-When-Brain-Trying/dp/0066211212 is also a good book for those of us who deal with depression and have minds that occassionally endeavor to take us out. 

Peace.