A Wonderful New Week

I took a deep breath on Friday afternoon and decided that if I ever wanted to possess a deep sense of peace and contentment again, I needed to re-examine my priorities and stop sitting around pissing and moaning about everything that isn't as "quite right" as I'd like it to be. The truth is that I have much more to be grateful for than I have to bitch about, and sitting around in a black depression isn't helping my daughter, my husband, my friends or me. I'm the type of person who, once I've reached a point where I absolutely cannot stand myself anymore for my attitude, will do everything in my power to facilitate the change within (or changes) that's needed to change my outward situation. Keep in mind, however, that I have a high pain threshold. This is great when one is attending to childbirth or nursing a scraped knee. It's not so good when it comes to dealing with emotional issues which are wreaking havoc in my personal life.

So, on Sunday, I took Little One to her first Spiral Scouts meeting. We're not an official group yet; paperwork is being filed, information is being gathered, and uniforms are being purchased. A bunch of us moms and kids did get together at a local tea house and socialize, getting to know one another over crafts, trying to decide upon a name for our troupe, and browsing the beautifully magical merchandise that the cafe offers for sale. It was a nice day for all, I think, and I was excited to find out yesterday that the name I suggested for our group was chosen. I think it was Goddess inspired.

Little One loved the group. Because we homeschool (though we're just going into kindergarten homeschooling this September, so we're still very new to the scene), this sort of thing is great for her as far as socializing with other kids. She soaked up the interaction, and, later on, proudly told Daddy all about the craft she made.

Monday brought a visit to the craft store, where we purchased a foam castle kit which my girl put together with the help of her wonderfully attentive Daddy. While there I bought a pad of Bristol board and whispered a few words of gratitude at the fact that I already own a nice collection of Prismacolor pencils, which have become so expensive as to be almost beyond the reach of most of the artists I know. I made a decision that since it's very hard for me to find the time to paint right now, I'm going to dive back into colored pencil work, which is more portable and doesn't require any setting up. I already have a Goddess series in mind, inspired by the artwork of Mickie Mueller (her site is right here: http://www.mickiemuellerart.com/). After I bought the pad, I was overcome with a feeling of joy and excitement; I've needed an artistic outlet for a long time, and now I have a glimmer of hope. I feel like some positive changes are afoot, that the energy in my life is shifting. Of course, we are currently under the watch of a waxing moon, and for some reason it always seems to me that my attitude brightens during this moon phase.

It's amazing how much just getting out of one's desk chair, imbibing of the fresh air, and making a decision to, well, just MOVE can alter one's whole perspective on everything. For me, being a good mom is essential to my own serenity. If I feel I've failed at that on any given day, then nothing I've been successful at really makes me happy. Each day must be approached with a certain measure of balance. Some days this comes naturally; most days it requires a bit of work and a willingness to change the schedule if a situation arises which requires that I re-think my time frame. Today was not the best of days. I was stuck for the better part of the morning typing away at some invoices that need to go out if the bills are to be paid. The rest of the day was consumed by banking, going to the Post office, and more banking. It's incredible how quickly the hours fly by. We drove home in a rainstorm, but my attitude did not match the weather today. Instead, I commented to Little One about how great this water will be for our new flowers (which have yet to poke their little heads from the soil), as well as for all of the trees and plants in our area. My daughter chimed in that it would be great for creating big puddles in which to splash around. Yes!!! That's what life is about, I think-taking opportunities for experience and diving into them. Saying "yes" instead of "no". Taking the road less traveled. Finding the courage to create, even when the creativity doesn't seem to be flowing (as I feel today, sitting at the keyboard struggling for words that usually seem to pour forth like tea from a pitcher). For my whole life, that's what I've always wanted to do. I admire people who aren't afraid to jump into whatever it is that stirs their passions. Here's the opportunity, and I'm getting out of my seat.

Attitude Adjustment

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, I suppose at least partly due to a lack of sleep and also a slight depression. My husband's mother is very sick and my intuition has been telling me for quite some time that she might not make the year, though I always leave room for things to change. I'm not sure I believe in fixed destiny. I like to believe that circumstances can change, that the choices we make can alter our course. I think I've convinced him that going back home to see her might be a good idea and will be checking out tickets online. New Orleans, here we come! Of course, this means that my annual trip home to Boston will be postponed; I'm not sure when I'll get up there and I'm extremely sad about that. I've gone home each year for the past four, and not going up there now, when the weather is wonderfully mild and there are lots of places to go and things to do is a sad prospect. I miss my family terribly, and this latest turn with my beloved Mother-in Law, as well as the death of one of my husband's employees, has only reminded me of the sweetness and preciousness of life. I'm horribly tired of everyone being so far away and feeling so lonely all the time, in spite of having a few wonderful and supportive friends. Some people can leave where they come from and never look back. They don't long for the old familiar places or the luxury of being able to call an old friend or special family member for a lunch date. I'm not one of those people. The problem is that we don't know whether or not we're one of those people until we've moved away. I'd insert a heavy sigh if not for the paradox-I had to come here to meet my husband, who I love and adore, and to birth our daughter, who I love with all of my heart and soul, and to have the experiences which have made me the person I am. The growth I've experienced over the past ten years has helped me to be a better friend, parent, spouse, and family member. I do believe that part of the plan of the Universe was for me to come down here and become a better person, even if I still long for home and the places I knew growing up. Even if I don't feel like Florida will ever really capture my soul.

Anyway, I feel guilty feeling so sorry for myself when my husband is going through this difficult time. He's stoic about the whole situation, but I know that deep inside he's hurting and just trying to keep the strong facade going. I want more than anything to be able to support him through this newest course of life. I also want his Mom to have a chance to see her cherished granddaughter again. I regret that she and my daughter have not had more time together. Each time we've gone to visit I've been loathe to leave, so precious is their bond. I had the blessing of knowing each of my grandparents for a significant number of years (though it's never enough time, is it?); I feel sorry that my daughter has not had that opportunity, and that she's not had the time to spend with her own grandparents that I had. My maternal grandparents helped to raise us-we practically lived at their house. In fact, I eventually did move into their home and lived there for quite some time.

On to positive vibing----

I think that tonight I'll go back to the study group I attended last week. I could use a powerful group ritual and a good, lively discussion. While it may be tempting to stay home and brood, doing so will get me nowhere but further into the melancholy. Prior to that, I have some errands to run. Maybe the neighbors will want to hang out for a bit-their kids are in cahoots with our little one and it's always refreshing to have another Mom to gab with.

What's that????---- I just heard another broom falling out of the closet.

Magical Wednesday???

The magickal Monday of which I spoke on Monday morning, quickly turned into a torchurous Tuesday as the little one and I both came down with some sort of bug which derailed us both for the whole day. I believe my daughter was already sick on Sunday night, as she let up a great wailing in the restaurant where we were having dinner directly after the waiter asked her what she'd like to eat. At first, I thought she was frightened by him in some way (though he wasn't really a frightening character), but after he left our table she continued to fuss. The fussing continued throughout dinner, much to the chagrin of our fellow restaurant goers. We gobbled up our food quickly and returned home, where my little one calmed down considerably and promptly fell asleep. Monday morning the Peanut seemed, at first, to be feeling better, though she was not her usual energetic self. By around 10am, she was back to fussing, and we stayed home, me cleaning our house and she lying on the couch enjoying a Noggin marathon (Noggin being the educational program where we live). Fast forward to Monday night. Suddenly, my own body seems to have been invaded by the same evil nasty which is causing great misery in my daughter's life. Accosted by a headache which threatened to explode my sinuses and an upset stomach which made even the yummiest of food look like something the dog left in my yard, I joined my daughter on the couch. Tuesday was a complete washout, with us both moping around the house sipping soup and juice and water and avoiding the outside world at all cost. Today, we both are feeling a bit better. The headache is lingering, but it's not as sharp, and my little one seems to be fussy but doesn't feel warmer than usual and is eating with slightly more gusto. So, I guess magickal Wednesday it is. We'll take things slowly, maybe visit the library and take out some new books. That always serves to make me feel better!