Attitude Adjustment

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, I suppose at least partly due to a lack of sleep and also a slight depression. My husband's mother is very sick and my intuition has been telling me for quite some time that she might not make the year, though I always leave room for things to change. I'm not sure I believe in fixed destiny. I like to believe that circumstances can change, that the choices we make can alter our course. I think I've convinced him that going back home to see her might be a good idea and will be checking out tickets online. New Orleans, here we come! Of course, this means that my annual trip home to Boston will be postponed; I'm not sure when I'll get up there and I'm extremely sad about that. I've gone home each year for the past four, and not going up there now, when the weather is wonderfully mild and there are lots of places to go and things to do is a sad prospect. I miss my family terribly, and this latest turn with my beloved Mother-in Law, as well as the death of one of my husband's employees, has only reminded me of the sweetness and preciousness of life. I'm horribly tired of everyone being so far away and feeling so lonely all the time, in spite of having a few wonderful and supportive friends. Some people can leave where they come from and never look back. They don't long for the old familiar places or the luxury of being able to call an old friend or special family member for a lunch date. I'm not one of those people. The problem is that we don't know whether or not we're one of those people until we've moved away. I'd insert a heavy sigh if not for the paradox-I had to come here to meet my husband, who I love and adore, and to birth our daughter, who I love with all of my heart and soul, and to have the experiences which have made me the person I am. The growth I've experienced over the past ten years has helped me to be a better friend, parent, spouse, and family member. I do believe that part of the plan of the Universe was for me to come down here and become a better person, even if I still long for home and the places I knew growing up. Even if I don't feel like Florida will ever really capture my soul.

Anyway, I feel guilty feeling so sorry for myself when my husband is going through this difficult time. He's stoic about the whole situation, but I know that deep inside he's hurting and just trying to keep the strong facade going. I want more than anything to be able to support him through this newest course of life. I also want his Mom to have a chance to see her cherished granddaughter again. I regret that she and my daughter have not had more time together. Each time we've gone to visit I've been loathe to leave, so precious is their bond. I had the blessing of knowing each of my grandparents for a significant number of years (though it's never enough time, is it?); I feel sorry that my daughter has not had that opportunity, and that she's not had the time to spend with her own grandparents that I had. My maternal grandparents helped to raise us-we practically lived at their house. In fact, I eventually did move into their home and lived there for quite some time.

On to positive vibing----

I think that tonight I'll go back to the study group I attended last week. I could use a powerful group ritual and a good, lively discussion. While it may be tempting to stay home and brood, doing so will get me nowhere but further into the melancholy. Prior to that, I have some errands to run. Maybe the neighbors will want to hang out for a bit-their kids are in cahoots with our little one and it's always refreshing to have another Mom to gab with.

What's that????---- I just heard another broom falling out of the closet.