Seething Seething...

"Say a prayer, try to meditate, and no matter what happens, today will be a good day anyway," said a near and dear friend. I tried to do this. I really tried to do this. No matter what I did yesterday, however, nothing seemed to be going the right way. The only real moments of peace I felt were while I was at the gym furiously working out, trying to banish any and all of the negative energy that seemed to be glomming about me like some evil amoeba, and when I was looking at my daughter's cute little face, her hair hanging in two braids on either side of her head. These moments aside, I just couldn't seem to stay happy yesterday and I felt guilty about that, guilty that during one of the most wonderful times of my life I still can't be one hundred percent ecstatic.

The day began with the incessant ringing of my husband's cell phone. At around 6:30am, his employees began calling. I have no idea why people find it necessary to phone someone at such an hour, a time when I am just yawning my way back to life. My head has no room for patience at that time of day; I found myself becoming more agitated with each brinnnngggggg of the cellular. I sipped my coffee and attempted to read my morning books, all the while hearing snippets of conversation, "No I don't want you bringing someone I don't know over to work on my house..." "Yeah...um hmmm...no..." "Okay, I'll come pick you up...." Needless to say, concentrating was impossible and I've no idea what I read. I told myself that the day would get better and forged ahead.

Just before leaving for the YMCA with my daughter, my husband's guys showed up to work on our new office space. It seemed that so and so did, in fact, show up for work. I waved them a less than enthusiastic hello and commenced to gathering up my little one and our belongings to head to the gym. On my way out, I noticed that one of them was smoking a cigarette, but I told myself that it was okay, the back windows all were open and the smoke would just drift outside. When we arrived home, the first scent that hit my nostrils upon opening the front door was cigarette smoke. R's fingers flew up to her own little nose as she wrinkled it and commented that it was stinky in our house. Already frustrated, I felt tears spring to my eyes. I'd spent the past two weeks attempting with great success to irradicate the old, abandoned house smell from our new residence, and now these guys were filling it with a smell that makes my stomach turn (we reformed smokers are wretched, aren't we???). After calming myself a bit, I asked the guys not to smoke in the house anymore. I said that I had no problem with them smoking outside, but inside the house was not going to work for me. Okay, crisis averted, moving forward.......

After doing some phonics and math work with R, we went food shopping. I was looking forward to the women's meeting I attend on Monday nights and felt that if I could start dinner early enough I'd be able to make the meeting on time without the need for rushing around like a woman possessed. Shortly after I pulled into the drive, a girl friend of mine pulled in behind my car, stopping by for an impromptu visit. I was happy to see her and we chatted away. And away. And away. Before I knew it, the time had flown to quarter past six, and I was rushing to cook dinner and get it onto on the table. Needless to say, I did not make my meeting. By the time I was ready to leave home it was already 8pm, and the meeting was over at 8:30.

At least storytime went okay.......

Easter Morning

Our little one woke up late this morning to a gift from the Easter (Ostara) Bunny. Since she is with me all the time, I'd been unable to buy her a basket during the week, so my husband went out early this morning and purchased one at a store down the street, complete with a big chocolate bunny. The older our daughter gets, the more I feel the importance of sharing with her some of the traditions I enjoyed as a child, even though some of them are linked to religions that I don't particularly follow. Most of them aren't so difficult for me; many of the earlier Pagan traditions have been morphed into Christian ones, so concepts such as the Easter Bunny are easy for me to translate into my own belief system. The sun is shining outside, hubby is off at church, and I'm contemplating getting into the shower. Lazy Sundays are great, but if I don't get moving we won't end up doing anything at all today, and I plan on coloring eggs with my little one while hubby watches golf on t.v. I just can't watch golf-it would mean instant nap time.

Growing Spiritually, and Letting Go a Bit

We have entered the season of Passover, and, for me, I'm not really feeling it this year. I'm going through some of the motions due to a feeling of "tribal" connection, and I think that's good, but it's not due to some feeling that God will be angry with me if I don't comply with some written set of rules. My spirituality has never been conventional, though I've always gravitated toward some aspects of the religions of my upbringing, Catholicism and Judaism. At different times of life I've moved closer to one or the other, but my feeling that there was "something else" out there for me never really disappeared wholly. I've always felt that there had to be more, always felt a connection to some other Higher Power concept. Part of the reason for this, I suppose, is rooted in the studies I conducted in college as well as the varied people I met while there and afterward. Away from the conventional world my family inhabited, I was exposed to different ideas, to different histories, to more openness of thought. What I learned from these experiences has followed me ever since and although at times it has created great conflict within me, I'm grateful for being released from the prison of narrow mindedness. Lately I've realized that sometimes my fear closes me off to spiritual experiences I might otherwise have; so many of us have ideas ingrained in us as children when it comes to God concepts. We are told that the positive experiences we have when engaging with the Goddess, for instance, are just tricks being wrought upon us by "the devil", that they aren't valid or real and that they compromise our very souls. We are told to question everything that goes against the grain of Christianity, or whatever religion we were brought up with, so that we do question these encounters with spirit, we doubt that they are valid, we doubt our own ability to connect. It's really quite sad. I've found that lately forging some type of connection with others of like mind and heart has been helping me along my journey. Although I try not to allow others' perceptions to influence how I feel, sometimes this proves to be a difficult task. We can't help but be influenced by the ideas of others sometimes, particularly those people we hold in high regard, and this is one of the reasons why it's important to include in our lives people who share similar beliefs to ours. I enjoy the company of many people who I adore but who don't share my spiritual beliefs, and that's okay. We all can learn from each other on this adventure of life. That said, I also crave and need the company of people who do share in some of my beliefs; it's nice to have others to bounce ideas off of, to share thoughts and feelings with. It's important to me to be able to speak my deepest thoughts to someone who won't raise his or her eyebrow and tell me (either with words or gesture) that I'm crazy, that I'm on a pathway to evil, or some other such nonsense. I need to be able to trust my instincts, to believe that the connection I feel with my Higher Power is real and valid and dynamic. I feel the power of spirit all around me; I can't believe that the Goddess doesn't breathe in every tree, river, rock, cloud, mountain, sandy beach. I don't reject this world as an unholy place; I do understand that there are some people who seem to have been overtaken by darker elements. Some of these people are born with mental illnesses over which they have little or no control (withouth outside help). Others have been overtaken by harmful desires. Some have no connection with a higher power and so have no positive ideology by which to live their lives. I don't believe these people have been inhabited by Satan, but rather by the darker forces existent within themselves. I feel that the magic starts within; if you don't feel it within you, you will never feel it outside of yourself.

May you feel the magic and joy existent within yourself today. May that magic never be squashed by someone who doesn't believe the way that you do.

New House

We've been in the new place for almost two weeks now. We are still wading through cardboard boxes and bags full of stuff, but slowly everything is coming together. I spent the better part of the morning cleaning off the fronts of the kitchen cabinets. Every one of them seems to have been splattered with something, inside and out, and cleaning them has proven to be quite a task. I still have boxes of kitchen items waiting to be unpacked, but have been unable to do so as yet because I've needed to clean out the cabinets where they will be housed. I hope today to have time to clean out the insides of the remaining cabinets so that I can get the kitchen set up the rest of the way. For me, once the kitchen is functional, everything else seems to fall into place.

I still have yet to do a blessing over the house. Since there were people working here for the first week, it would have been a bit awkward walking around the place with a candle and incense and speaking the words of blessing into every corner of every room! We still have some sheet rocking which needs to be laid on the walls of the new office, but other than that the major work has been completed, and it all looks fabulous. I'm super happy with our new abode, and so far have felt only good energy here. Still, I will do the blessing. Today would normally be a Full Moon Esbat day, but I'm reluctant to do any sort of ritual here until the blessing has been completed. Also, the curtains in our bedroom have yet to be hung, and my altar is in front of the east facing window of said room. No one is home next door today, that I know of, but I still feel a bit hesitant to conduct any spiritual practices in that room until I have a measure of privacy. While I have no intention of pretending I'm someone I'm not, I also don't feel the need to "put it all out there" to people who I'm fairly sure will not understand my religious leanings. No need to alienate the neighbors, particularly at this early juncture. They have kids my daughter enjoys romping around with, and they seem very nice besides that, and I'd like to keep peaceful feelings all around.

Peace and blessings.