I Stand Corrected!

After all of my ranting yesterday, DH returned home from the bachelor party at 8:30. The guys had agreed to go out for sushi and then called it a night. I feel a bit silly, not so much for getting upset as for not taking DH's word that they weren't heading out to look at naked women.

We live and learn!


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Blah, Blah, Blech

I'm in a foul mood but I'm not sure exactly why. I'm a bit in a mind set of wondering what exactly it is I'm doing with my life, what I could be doing better, and where I'm right on track. I'm frustrated with a few aspects of my life, though mostly quite happy. I believe that if I'm unhappy the only person who can change my state of discontent is me. Usually inner turmoil and depression ( excluding the clinical variety) is the result of us not doing something we know we should be, and deep inside I'm pretty certain what avenues of change I need to stroll down. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to organizing my time, staying focused and just simply doing what needs to be done.

I know that another part of my discontent tonight is due to a bachelor party the hub just rode off to attend. What is it with guys and these stupid parties, where it seems necessary to have some silly girl shaking her butt in everyone's face? He told me they were thinking about going to a pool hall instead, but since he was unwilling to tell me exactly what they were doing, I'm suspect. The thing is, why did they insist on going someplace we're all going to be upset about-why did the organizer of this party insist on going someplace he knew the bride to be would be very unhappy about? Why is getting married a sudden excuse to act like a dog? I know- I have some issues. Or maybe my evolving spiritual awareness is taking my mind to places I haven't visited in awhile, or, in some instances, ever. Maybe there are just some things I'm tired of. I hope I feel better tomorrow.



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Old Friends and Loved Ones

I had a conversation with a close friend today regarding an old love of hers and friend of mine. This man passed just a few months ago, but his presence is still being felt in a very real way by a few people with whom he was close. I find this comforting, on some level. L wasn't sure if there was anything else "out there" before he died, and I imagine he's tickled pink to discover that he can still communicate with some of the people he cares about.

I have had quite a few paranormal experiences in my lifetime so far, most benign, a few kind of scary. Not really understanding how to use this gift for a helpful purpose can be frustrating. Had I someone with whom I could talk about what was happening, that scary part of one of my experiences could probably have been handled better. I absolutely believe that those of us who are sensitive are more likely to attract spirit activity/communication, and it's helpful to know how to handle situations involving spirits who are angry and in a place of emotional torment. As well, it's helpful to know the situation from which they came. In this instance I'd made some false assumptions and added to the element of distress. Those errors were revealed, but I still wasn't sure how to handle the fear, rage and sense of betrayal this man had felt during his last living moments. I tried my best but felt a sense of failure. In the end, one always has the option of shutting off. I found it necessary to close the lines of communication down because I was becoming too upset with what this man was telling me. Without getting into the whole story, I believe that I was contacted by the spirits of a couple who used to live across the street from our former home. The couple's lives ended in a murder/suicide, and the husband (who, it turned out, was the victim) was not at peace and wanted someone to know this. In great detail.

Lately, I've been sensing a presence in our current house. I don't have a bad feeling about it (unlike in our old place) but I don't know who it is, either. Unlike any of my previous experiences, in this instance I've been noticing soft shadows, almost more of a disturbance in the air than anything like what one would see in an actual human shadow. I get a feeling that if I only looked hard enough for long enough, I'd actually see a form materialize. I know who the home's previous owners were and have felt their energy here, but it was like the warmth of grandparents and not the least bit frightening. I don't think it's either of them who is here now. I'm not even certain that what I've felt of them here isn't just residual energy, as opposed to actual spirit manifestation. With this newest presence, I feel something different. I haven't yet decided for sure whether or not I'm okay with whoever it is hanging around.




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Early Morning Thought

I was tired this morning, and snuggled deep into a sea of soft covers in a warm bed, when the clock radio began sounding. Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed and drove to the gym for the second of my three workout days. The workout felt good, especially after I'd acheived a full state of consciousness (really- I was so tired this morning)!

Leaving the YMCA, I heard birds calling to each other. I felt like I was a part of their dance, even though I was only silently listening. As I approached my car, I thought, "Yes! This is one of the huge benefits to being awake at a terribly early hour. I get to hear the world around me awakening."




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Happy Ostara

Ostara was actually yesterday, but I thought I'd wish everyone a happy anyway, since the weekend saw me too busy to blog, or even to turn on a computer, for that matter. I created a basket yesterday for our daughter; Target is a wonderful place to find inexpensive and fun seasonal items like bubbles in carrot shaped containers and butterfly shaped sidewalk chalk. I was able to create a basket much nicer than the ones I've seen for sale already made, filled with the types of candy and items Sparkle Girl will love. When I arrived home I snuck into our back office and happily assembled it a watchful eye on the door.

The basket was a hit (yay!) and we still have eggs to color, which is a yearly tradition here in our home. I purchased a kit yesterday and stuck it into the basket, thinking it might be the easiest route to take. I'd considered using food coloring and plain old crayons for the resist designs, but this kit has stickers. What little girl doesn't love stickers? The PAAS company knows what it's doing as far as marketing.

Last night Hub and I went out and saw Red Riding Hood and it did not dissapoint. Gary Oldman is one of my favorite actors, and as I developed an intense hatred last night for the character he played in this movie, I remembered why. Amanda Siegfried was enchanting, the scenery was amazing, and the ending offered a surprising plot twist. I highly recommend seeing it. When we came out of the movie and approached the motorcycle, I noticed that my helmet was filled with tiny white flowers. We'd parked under a graceful tree of a very feminine form, and she'd showered us with beautiful spring flowers. Laughing with pleasure, I thanked her and looked up at her branches. In the softening light of early evening, bees remained hard at work collecting their daily store from her abundant blossoms. As we drove away, I reflected that when one begins to acknowlege the sacredness of nature, one will begin to see the sacred and special everywhere.




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Tea Time

Rainy day with a sniffly cold...



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Recommended Reading

I love this book, which is listed as part of my Sisterhood's recommended reading:





This book is really bringing it all back home for me, making me remember all the reasons why Goddess honoring spirituality appealed to me all these many years ago. Today, I'm ready to honor the call; back then, I wasn't quite ready. Sue Monk Kidd talks about how scary taking this very real leap of faith can be, and that's where I am right now. It's frightening to think about the many ways following a less traveled and often misunderstood spiritual path will change one's life. However, I concur with her that to do less than pursue the journey is to dishonor (and, I believe, to discredit) ourselves.

I find it difficult to put this book down once I begin reading. At times, it has moved me to tears for how much I relate to what she says and for the re-realizations it's awakening within me. This is a fantastic book that I highly recommend to anyone embarking on a journey into the Goddess mysteries, as well as to anyone who is already on that road.


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Sometimes We Wake Up and - Pow!!!!

I began checking into more Goddess-centered spirituality back in the late '80's, when I was first entering college and had begun mixing with lots of different types of people. Before that, my existence was a fairly sheltered one, centered on Judao-Christian beliefs and practices, with no real formal religious devotion going on, aside from an occasional visit to a synagogue or a church (we are a bi-religious family). One summer day back in 1987 (or around then sometime), my then boyfriend and I hopped onto his motorcycle and jetted up to the shop Laurie Cabot owned in Salem. While her shop is no longer there (or she no longer owns it-I'm not sure whether or not it's still in existence in some form), the seed that was planted on that day has grown into a beautiful flower, the color of which has grown brighter some years and quite pale others. Now, in my 42nd year of existence on this planet, I've taken a deeper plunge into the witchy waters, deciding at last to take on more of a commitment to this path because it truly feels like the right thing to do. I feel like I've found a home in this community, even though I've really only just scratched the surface of what the Pagan community is.

This week I began reading a book by Sue Monk Kidd, entitled, "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter", and it's stirring up emotions within me that I wasn't aware still resided there. While I believe that the world has changed a little bit since she wrote this book, much of what she describes with regard to our largely patriarchal society and our roles as women within in have not. For the most part, our religions still venerate Gods, or God, not Goddesses (or a Goddess), and as long as this is true there will be a slant toward the male as somehow being dominant, more relevant and powerful. I don't consider myself to be a radical feminist, but I am a feminist of some sort. I believe that in order for my spiritual path to be balanced it needs to include both a feminine and a male aspect of divinity. Most days I feel more comfortable with a female image; some days I need the male aspect a little bit more. At any rate, this morning, after reading a bit of this book while sipping my coffee, then taking a shower with Victoria Williams singing in the background (I love Pandora radio) I found myself becoming extremely depressed and angry. I'm not sure where this emotion came from, aside from possibly some frustration that I have not been able to set aside any time recently to attend to my artistic projects, and that has a tendency to make me a little crazy. Okay-a lot crazy. I think this book touched a nerve within me with respect to our roles as women and how difficult it can sometimes be to escape from our roles as constantly serving others and instead serving our own needs.

As evening begins to fall here in South Florida, I feel a sense of peace, but I also feel a sense of really needing to attend to my crafts, both spiritual and artistic. Writing here is a form of artistic release, and a quicker, easier one than taking out my paints and canvas or my Prismacolor pencils and paper. But, I also need to attend to the Goddess within whose story needs to be told in some way, through the visual mediums.

So-pow!!! I'm really glad I picked up this book. It looks to be a life changing read.