A Wonderful New Week

I took a deep breath on Friday afternoon and decided that if I ever wanted to possess a deep sense of peace and contentment again, I needed to re-examine my priorities and stop sitting around pissing and moaning about everything that isn't as "quite right" as I'd like it to be. The truth is that I have much more to be grateful for than I have to bitch about, and sitting around in a black depression isn't helping my daughter, my husband, my friends or me. I'm the type of person who, once I've reached a point where I absolutely cannot stand myself anymore for my attitude, will do everything in my power to facilitate the change within (or changes) that's needed to change my outward situation. Keep in mind, however, that I have a high pain threshold. This is great when one is attending to childbirth or nursing a scraped knee. It's not so good when it comes to dealing with emotional issues which are wreaking havoc in my personal life.

So, on Sunday, I took Little One to her first Spiral Scouts meeting. We're not an official group yet; paperwork is being filed, information is being gathered, and uniforms are being purchased. A bunch of us moms and kids did get together at a local tea house and socialize, getting to know one another over crafts, trying to decide upon a name for our troupe, and browsing the beautifully magical merchandise that the cafe offers for sale. It was a nice day for all, I think, and I was excited to find out yesterday that the name I suggested for our group was chosen. I think it was Goddess inspired.

Little One loved the group. Because we homeschool (though we're just going into kindergarten homeschooling this September, so we're still very new to the scene), this sort of thing is great for her as far as socializing with other kids. She soaked up the interaction, and, later on, proudly told Daddy all about the craft she made.

Monday brought a visit to the craft store, where we purchased a foam castle kit which my girl put together with the help of her wonderfully attentive Daddy. While there I bought a pad of Bristol board and whispered a few words of gratitude at the fact that I already own a nice collection of Prismacolor pencils, which have become so expensive as to be almost beyond the reach of most of the artists I know. I made a decision that since it's very hard for me to find the time to paint right now, I'm going to dive back into colored pencil work, which is more portable and doesn't require any setting up. I already have a Goddess series in mind, inspired by the artwork of Mickie Mueller (her site is right here: http://www.mickiemuellerart.com/). After I bought the pad, I was overcome with a feeling of joy and excitement; I've needed an artistic outlet for a long time, and now I have a glimmer of hope. I feel like some positive changes are afoot, that the energy in my life is shifting. Of course, we are currently under the watch of a waxing moon, and for some reason it always seems to me that my attitude brightens during this moon phase.

It's amazing how much just getting out of one's desk chair, imbibing of the fresh air, and making a decision to, well, just MOVE can alter one's whole perspective on everything. For me, being a good mom is essential to my own serenity. If I feel I've failed at that on any given day, then nothing I've been successful at really makes me happy. Each day must be approached with a certain measure of balance. Some days this comes naturally; most days it requires a bit of work and a willingness to change the schedule if a situation arises which requires that I re-think my time frame. Today was not the best of days. I was stuck for the better part of the morning typing away at some invoices that need to go out if the bills are to be paid. The rest of the day was consumed by banking, going to the Post office, and more banking. It's incredible how quickly the hours fly by. We drove home in a rainstorm, but my attitude did not match the weather today. Instead, I commented to Little One about how great this water will be for our new flowers (which have yet to poke their little heads from the soil), as well as for all of the trees and plants in our area. My daughter chimed in that it would be great for creating big puddles in which to splash around. Yes!!! That's what life is about, I think-taking opportunities for experience and diving into them. Saying "yes" instead of "no". Taking the road less traveled. Finding the courage to create, even when the creativity doesn't seem to be flowing (as I feel today, sitting at the keyboard struggling for words that usually seem to pour forth like tea from a pitcher). For my whole life, that's what I've always wanted to do. I admire people who aren't afraid to jump into whatever it is that stirs their passions. Here's the opportunity, and I'm getting out of my seat.

Attitude Adjustment

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, I suppose at least partly due to a lack of sleep and also a slight depression. My husband's mother is very sick and my intuition has been telling me for quite some time that she might not make the year, though I always leave room for things to change. I'm not sure I believe in fixed destiny. I like to believe that circumstances can change, that the choices we make can alter our course. I think I've convinced him that going back home to see her might be a good idea and will be checking out tickets online. New Orleans, here we come! Of course, this means that my annual trip home to Boston will be postponed; I'm not sure when I'll get up there and I'm extremely sad about that. I've gone home each year for the past four, and not going up there now, when the weather is wonderfully mild and there are lots of places to go and things to do is a sad prospect. I miss my family terribly, and this latest turn with my beloved Mother-in Law, as well as the death of one of my husband's employees, has only reminded me of the sweetness and preciousness of life. I'm horribly tired of everyone being so far away and feeling so lonely all the time, in spite of having a few wonderful and supportive friends. Some people can leave where they come from and never look back. They don't long for the old familiar places or the luxury of being able to call an old friend or special family member for a lunch date. I'm not one of those people. The problem is that we don't know whether or not we're one of those people until we've moved away. I'd insert a heavy sigh if not for the paradox-I had to come here to meet my husband, who I love and adore, and to birth our daughter, who I love with all of my heart and soul, and to have the experiences which have made me the person I am. The growth I've experienced over the past ten years has helped me to be a better friend, parent, spouse, and family member. I do believe that part of the plan of the Universe was for me to come down here and become a better person, even if I still long for home and the places I knew growing up. Even if I don't feel like Florida will ever really capture my soul.

Anyway, I feel guilty feeling so sorry for myself when my husband is going through this difficult time. He's stoic about the whole situation, but I know that deep inside he's hurting and just trying to keep the strong facade going. I want more than anything to be able to support him through this newest course of life. I also want his Mom to have a chance to see her cherished granddaughter again. I regret that she and my daughter have not had more time together. Each time we've gone to visit I've been loathe to leave, so precious is their bond. I had the blessing of knowing each of my grandparents for a significant number of years (though it's never enough time, is it?); I feel sorry that my daughter has not had that opportunity, and that she's not had the time to spend with her own grandparents that I had. My maternal grandparents helped to raise us-we practically lived at their house. In fact, I eventually did move into their home and lived there for quite some time.

On to positive vibing----

I think that tonight I'll go back to the study group I attended last week. I could use a powerful group ritual and a good, lively discussion. While it may be tempting to stay home and brood, doing so will get me nowhere but further into the melancholy. Prior to that, I have some errands to run. Maybe the neighbors will want to hang out for a bit-their kids are in cahoots with our little one and it's always refreshing to have another Mom to gab with.

What's that????---- I just heard another broom falling out of the closet.

Magical Wednesday???

The magickal Monday of which I spoke on Monday morning, quickly turned into a torchurous Tuesday as the little one and I both came down with some sort of bug which derailed us both for the whole day. I believe my daughter was already sick on Sunday night, as she let up a great wailing in the restaurant where we were having dinner directly after the waiter asked her what she'd like to eat. At first, I thought she was frightened by him in some way (though he wasn't really a frightening character), but after he left our table she continued to fuss. The fussing continued throughout dinner, much to the chagrin of our fellow restaurant goers. We gobbled up our food quickly and returned home, where my little one calmed down considerably and promptly fell asleep. Monday morning the Peanut seemed, at first, to be feeling better, though she was not her usual energetic self. By around 10am, she was back to fussing, and we stayed home, me cleaning our house and she lying on the couch enjoying a Noggin marathon (Noggin being the educational program where we live). Fast forward to Monday night. Suddenly, my own body seems to have been invaded by the same evil nasty which is causing great misery in my daughter's life. Accosted by a headache which threatened to explode my sinuses and an upset stomach which made even the yummiest of food look like something the dog left in my yard, I joined my daughter on the couch. Tuesday was a complete washout, with us both moping around the house sipping soup and juice and water and avoiding the outside world at all cost. Today, we both are feeling a bit better. The headache is lingering, but it's not as sharp, and my little one seems to be fussy but doesn't feel warmer than usual and is eating with slightly more gusto. So, I guess magickal Wednesday it is. We'll take things slowly, maybe visit the library and take out some new books. That always serves to make me feel better!

Once Again, a New Week Begins

It's funny how once one hits the age of around 35, time begins to fly like a hawk after a mouse. The weeks flip by like pages in a book, and suddenly you wake up and you're 40, and you wonder if you'll be able to accomplish all of those things in life you spoke so proudly of when you were the tender age of 20. The good side of this is that, if you're lucky, you become possessed of the feeling that you'd better get your act together and stop messing around. You realize what a gift each day is and you decide to get off your butt, stop complaining (so much), and get out into the world. I'm finding that spiritual books help a lot-I'm currently reading The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz and I highly recommend this book. Of course, the books only help if you take what you read and put it into action. Life should be a verb, rather than a noun.

I'm still high off the ritual that I attended last Thursday. The energy of being around other people with similar beliefs to mine, of raising that energy in a circle, releasing it, gathering together in a sort of group prayer, and then grounding was something to behold. I'm eager to attend the next study group on Thursday night. The key for me is to understand and to continue to understand that this sort of community is something I truly need. I tend to do things that make me feel good, that are aligned with the path I want to take, then sabotage myself by deciding that other things are more important and blowing them off. Before long, I'm left with a feeling of resentment caused only by my own inability to commit to doing things that are good for me. I'm not sure why I do this, but I'm tired of doing it and I'm now committed to the changes that I desperately want and need to bring to my life. Or, maybe I should say that I'm committed to the work that it takes to get there, to the dedication.

I woke up yesterday morning after nine hours of sleep, amazed by how much of a difference getting a full night of shut eye makes in my energy levels. I'd been a bit concerned by my lack of energy during the week, but now I see that I'm simply not sleeping enough. I was able to accomplish the somewhat daunting task of cleaning our house and attacking the huge pile of laundry that was looming in the closet of our bedroom (the house cleaning took about two hours, while the laundry turned out to be an all day affair), as well as various other necessary tasks, all without feeling like I needed to take a nap at 2pm. Wow!!! Last night I didn't sleep very well; my sinuses were acting up. I'm going to the gym anyway, and am sticking to the schedule I mentally laid out last night. This means that I need to get off the computer now, and wake up the little one. She won't be happy, but, hey, it's 8am!!!! I need to get her onto a schedule as well. I keep reading that kids thrive on schedules and my attempts to actually establish a consistent one since the day she was born have been largely unsuccessful. Today, however, begins a new week and there is something magical about Mondays. They have the power to transform the whole week.

My First Group Ritual

Hooray!!!!! Tonight I finally gathered up my courage and attended a local study group at the UU Church. I've considered attending such meet ups in the past, but always felt shy about going alone. Since my dedication, however, I've been in bad need of fellowship with others of like mind and heart, and this felt like the right place to begin. While the internet has been a great jumping off point as far as communication with other Pagans, it doesn't offer the closeness of honest to goodness face to face contact. In this group, I found some fun, interesting people with similiar beliefs to mine. This was the first time I've ever identified myself as a witch in public, and it was amazing! Coincidentally (or maybe not), I ended up sitting directly behind the High Priestess, who possesses a wonderful energy.

After the study group, we all went outside to a beautiful clearing surrounded by trees behind the church. There, in the quiet of the night, we lit a bonfire and conducted an invocation which corresponded to the topic of the study group. There was such a positive, amazing energy in that ritual. I walked away from it tingling, with a feeling of renewal and happiness that left me eager to return. At first the feeling was so powerful that I wasn't sure I'd grounded my energy enough, but as I drove home I realized that this is what it feels like to stand in a group and raise power with other people Wow!!! I'm blown away by the experience, and so glad that I finally stepped out of the comfort of my own little altar space (which is still a beautiful and special place to be!).

A Nature Walk on a Dead End Street

I'd feared yesterday would be a wasted day, but by the end of the afternoon I was feeling a bit better physically, in bad need of some sunshine mentally, and wanted to get my little one outdoors for a bit. With a spirit of adventure, we dragged her little pink bike out of the laundry room and rode down to the end of our street-not a long distance, but good for a little girl who gets tired out quickly in this hot summer sun, not to mention, her mommy. We spent quite a bit of time there at the meadow at road's end, watching butterflies flutter by, moths floating gently from flower to flower, ants busily working, and dragonflies gliding through the air with their vibrating wings. We mused at how the grass and flowers must look like a huge forest to the little ants and wondered at the tiny moths we saw, all decked out in bright orange and black wings. I noticed flowers and insects at the road's end yesterday that I've never taken sight of before during my walks with the dog. It is truly amazing what one might see if she takes the time to stop and really look. Equally amazing is how much seeing nature through the eyes of a child can bring a person more into touch with nature. So, toward the close of what started as a yucky day, a blessing occurred!

Blech

I know. Nice title for a blog entry, huh? That's how I feel today, though. Just blechey. Whatever this latest bug is, it began it's full frontal assault yesterday morning, when I woke up feeling as though someone had removed my lungs in the night and stomped on them before replacing them back into my body. Today that feeling is accompanied by an upset stomach, a few sniffles ad just general body acheyness. So much for hitting the gym; that plan has been derailed for today. I will have to force myself into doing the small amount of paperwork which must be done, getting into the shower and possibly going to the mall, where my daughter can run around a bit. While I can't afford to buy anything, at least it's air conditioned and there are plenty of distractions to help keep me from thinking about how bad I feel. That said, maybe I should just stay home and try to avoid passing this glorious whatever it is along to some poor unsuspecting fellow mall goer. This might be a better option. I can do a craft with the little one and possibly later in the day she can go next door and play with our neighbor's daughter. My dog seems to be experiencing sympathetic pains. This morning, just before 6AM, he threw up in his crate. Being a Mom, I tend to have a stomach constructed of steel when it comes to all manner of yuckiness, but I draw the line at throw up. My dog now smells horrible, and I think he feels the vibe that I'm having difficulty sitting close to him (he loves always being close to me, which is usually a beautiful thing). My husband swore on his way out the door today to go to work that he'd be home early and would give the dog a bath. I'm really praying for that right now.

On that note, I will bid my farewell until later. I'm sure nobody wants to read about such horrid stuff, and I'm eager to discover whether or not taking a shower will give me a bit more energy and make me feel better. Wish me luck.

Monday Again???

It's hard to believe that the weekend is already over. We decided to forgo our road trip for another week; I'd forgotten that we had a Spiral Scouts meeting (which ended up being canceled) and so we stayed in town. Hubby decided to try his hand in a local golfing tournament, and I took our little one on a library adventure. Two of the local libraries had events planned, so we first attended a magic and puppet show, complete with live bunnies. After the show, the kids had an opportunity to hold the fuzzy little creatures while they snuggled in little cloth pouches which I guess are designed to keep the rabbits feeling safe. My little one kept him carefully positioned in her lap, almost afraid to touch him for fear of letting him fall. I finally convinced her to pat him and he was so so soft! After this show, we drove over to another nearby library, where a guy who goes by the name Billy Joe Bob performed his own show. He played guitar, sang a Dr. Suess book (Green Eggs and Ham) and did his best to get the kids involved. Most of the children were shy, but my daughter got right up front and sang her own cute rendition of the ABC song all by herself. She was one of only two kids who got up there and sang and I was so proud of her bravery! So much for homeschooled children not being socialized.....

On Friday, we attended our first doggie training class with The Pooch. The woman teaching the class was wonderful-she has a warm personality and even brought her own dog to the class. Our doggie enjoyed chasing the other puppy around, although he seemed quite smitten by her and was disappointed by her aloof behavior. I suppose she was playing hard to get. It was nice to know that we have been doing things correctly as far as how we've been raising the dog. The teacher informed me that we are "miles ahead of most people". Hooray!!!! All of those books I've been reading have been helping, apparently. At one point, she told me that it's good to hug the dog and give him treats while doing so. She added that since most people don't hug their dogs, they aren't used to being hugged when small children grab them (as small children will) and so it's good to get them accustomed to this sort of thing. I laughed and told her I hug our dog all the time, so I don't think that will be a problem. It never occurred to me that everyone wouldn't do this. How can somebody not hug such a sweet creature???

Today is a new Monday. I'm not sure what we're going to do today. I was feeling a bit under the weather yesterday and still feel tired today, so the gym is out until tomorrow. Maybe I'll take my little one and let her run around at the mall or something. It's difficult finding inexpensive things to do around here, and with money tight I need to be careful. We might go on an adventure later in the week, but today I'm trying to keep things simple. With this heat, it's difficult to be outside for any length of time.

Happy Monday, everyone!

The Brooms are Falling out of the Closet

One of the more difficult aspects of being a Pagan, at least for me, is that one can't go around blathering about one's belief system without encountering some fierce opposition from time to time, mingled with blatant ignorance. I don't necessarily blame people for their ignorance-at least, not all of the time-because they've grown up being fed the religions and beliefs of their own families. The religious system I subscribe to has it's roots in lesser known traditions and spiritual ideas. Those ancient ideas have melded with newer beliefs, to form a religion that's still relatively new. I don't expect that when the average person takes a gander at my pentacle tattoo, he or she is going to understand what it means. And, forget the word "witch". This word is supercharged; just a whisper of it is enough to have some people grabbing torches in the form of words, sometimes very cruel and close minded. With all of the negative stereotyping and all of the arguing taking place on the internet with regard to Paganism, Wicca, and the like, I began this blog anonymously. It was not my desire to stir up controversy or get involved in religious debate. I've kept this blog separate from my Facebook page because I'm not sure that even my family would understand the path I've chosen to walk. Though, Goddess knows I've never exactly been the conservative one in my family! Slowly, however, I'm finding the need to reach out a bit more, to find others of like mind and heart. I'm beginning to reach a place where I'm ready to put my toe into the water and see how far the ripples reach. I'm tired of spending so much time in the broom closet, afraid that someone might notice the (very tasteful) pentacle I wear around my neck, or question the altar that graces a portion of the eastern wall of my bedroom. It's taken me a long time to reach the place where I am spiritually today. It has not been an easy road. It continues to be a path littered with boulders and gulleys and incoming arrows. I constantly teeter on the fence between not wishing to be a hypocrite and not wanting to alienate my neighbors, who I truly like, who have kids in my daughter's age group with whom she enjoys playing, and who just happen to be fairly hardcore Christians. In the past, I've tried to follow the easier way. I tried attending the Catholic church of my grandparents, but found that the belief system doesn't make sense to me. While I agree with some of the teachings of Jesus, the idea of a man being God doesn't jibe with me, and what I know from extensive research into different religions also does not boost my faith. More challenging for me was the Jewish side of my heritage. In Judaism, I find much more to agree with, ideas that are spiritual but also feel more scientifically sound. I did, for a time, enjoy this path, but it also did not feel completely natural or "right". It would have been a much easier journey to take, and some days I think that maybe I should reconsider, but my heart won't let me. Recently, I borrowed a book from the library entitled "A Witch Like Me" by Sirona Knight. I began reading it over coffee this morning, and I hope that reading about the journeys of some of those who have gone before me will help me to feel less alone. There are pagan gatherings nearby; I may begin attending a few here and there. Tomorrow is our first meeting with the Spiral Scouts; that will also help as far as networking with other Pagan parents. For now, I'm looking out my windows at the beautiful green trees across our small lake, swaying in the gentle breeze. I'm thinking about what I'm going to do with my little one today (before we attend our first doggie training class). I'm considering what my purpose on this earth is today, who I'm supposed to reach, who I'm meant to be reached by, what journeys I'm going to embark through my art and writing. I take a deep breath, and I move forward.

Time to Hit the Road

Hubby and I were talking over coffee this morning about getting out of town. For a couple of weeks now, he's been lamenting over the length of time that has passed since our last road (or airplane) trip; now, finally, my own wanderlust has gotten the better of me. When I stated this morning that I was dying to get out of town, to just escape, he asked me what I wanted to escape from. I considered for a moment, and then stated that it wasn't really an escape from anything in particular, but rather just a need for some sort of break in the daily routine, a change a scenery. I have a longing to see places not usually viewed during our daily lives, to talk with people whose paths we normally would not cross, to smell different smells, and have new things to talk about. I am in need of the freedom that getting away from home offers. There has been such an energy sadness around here lately and that tends to sap one's energy. Doing some traveling, even if only for a short period of time and not over a long distance , can help recharge the psychic and physical batteries. We return with a new, fresh perspective and a rested soul that is ready to once again fight the good fight.

Today, after hitting the gym and doing something with my little one, I'm going to hit the computer and try to figure out where we can run off to for a couple of days. Hubs is up for about anything right now; he called out this morning, on his way to the truck, that I could throw something together and let him know what we are doing. That offers me a little bit of leeway-is it going to be a trip to the Keys, a jaunt to the west coast? The possibilities are somewhat limited given the amount of time we can leave, but I'm sure we can figure something out. Hopefully, this Friday we will be making our way down the road, Hubster, Little One, Moon Dog and me. Would it be too over the top to take the cat as well???

Have Courage, Grasshopper...

There's nothing like the death of a friend who seems too young to have passed away to bring one to a realization of just how precious life is. I mean, really realize it. We all blah blah about how life is so precious, how we should live each moment to the fullest, how we shouldn't waste time because we never know how much time will be allotted to us. I'm not sure how much we believe those words, however. In the back of our minds there might be a little voice telling us that although we've seen others die suddenly, or before they've been able to fully realize their potential, surely we won't suffer the same fate. And then, somebody close dies and we realize that it could just as easily be us who is being mourned, just as easily we who could have lost the chance to take that trip, or paint that masterpeice, or write that song. Sometimes, especially lately, I wonder if I'm really working as hard as I could be toward the goals I'd like to achieve. I wonder if I'm giving life everything I've got, or if I'm just being lazy. This made me think about how one can avoid the pitfall of apathy, or of laziness, or of feeling powerless and giving up on the dreams that have fueled our zest for life for so many years.

I beleive that the first step toward living a more meaningful life (besides finding a spiritual center, which has been so vital to my own survival) is defining what it is we want to accomplish. Do you want to be a successful writer, a painter, an activist for world peace, an environmental warrior? Whatever it is you'd like to be when you "grow up", you need to identify the title before you can work toward claiming it. Possibly, you'd like to be more than one thing. I would like to be a great Mom and partner, an artist and a writer. I'd also like to join a group of women who will be my spiritual sisters and work toward some activism within my spiritual belief system.

Another crucial step toward acheiving our goals is living without so much fear, whether it's fear of failure, fear of success or just plain fear of having to do the work or keep a committment to something. I've found that in life I don't have so much trouble committing to a partner, but when it comes to committing to highly involved friendships or other endeavors (which are so rewarding and wonderful when one actually takes the time necessary to cultivate and nurture them), I've fallen a bit flat. I really want these things, but I have issues with anxiety and becoming easily overwhelmed that need to be waded through. I know that if I can come out the other side of these problems, I will be able to shake off the fear like loose feathers in the wind.

Laziness can also become a problem for some of us. I, by nature, am not a lazy person, but I do need to keep some momentum going in my life or I can easily find myself engrossed in a long tv- a-thon of America's Next Top Model, Law and Order or some other such squawk box drama. These shows are great, but not if one sets oneself down in front of them for hours, neglecting all the little matters of life which beckon just outside the doorway of the bedroom or living room. Likewise, the internet can also be a horrible time-suck, causing one to lose precious minutes and even hours which could be spent out there living life instead of just reading or talking about it.

Once we've leapt over these hurdles, we need to figure out which steps can be taken today to draw our goals closer to us. Yes, I said TODAY. There are lots of things we could do "come Monday" or "next month when I have more money", etc. What can you do today? Taking action is a powerful step. Making that first move creates a sort of magic through which further action is possible. I think of that first step as being sort of like pulling one's foot out of gooey quicksand. Once one foot is out, the other is sure to follow. Before you know it, you're out of the muck and walking through a beautiful forest, full of all sorts of exotic creatures and empowering experiences.

For me, time is always an issue. That said, I recognize that I need to prioritize more, to spend less time on the computer, less time in the bathroom getting ready for my day, less time reading over breakfast (reading has its place, but knowing when to place the book on the table and walk away is important if I don't want to wile the whole morning away). There are so many things I want to accomplish, and as the years progress I realize how much time I've spent not working toward those things, not engaged in the things that interest and excite me on a passionate, visceral level. Just writing this article, seeing my words on the page, is helping me to understand how much of being successful in life is about shedding the excuses and getting down to business.

Lets do it!!!!!

Talking About Death from a Pagan Perspective

Last night our friend, Charlie, passed away. He leaves behind two daughters, one fourteen and one twenty (I'd thought that one was fifteen but I was a year ahead), various siblings, and many friends. I have for the past many hours, been unable to get the image of his face out of my head. I've been thinking about him a lot, possibly because he was a person who was at our home often, who I've known for quite some time, or maybe partly because it's frightening to me that someone could be walking around, talking, seeming very well, one moment and be gone the next. For sure, I'm sad for his girls. I lost my own father at the age of twenty and all of these years later still cry sometimes for missing him. I wonder how they will cope without his love, support and guidance. I hope that they will find healthy ways to heal and not hide from the pain by artificial means as I did for several years. There was no warning for Charlie; death just crept up and took him away. He didn't even have time to contemplate the imminence of his demise and what he wanted to accomplish before he left his bodily form- he never regained consciousness after the heart attack. It still feels unreal to me that he's gone; I half expected to see him hop out of my husband's work truck this morning as he pulled back into the driveway. Kinda makes you think about grabbing each moment and living life for all it's worth, eh?

Up to today, I hadn't spoken with our daughter about death much at all. Okay, I haven't talked with her about it one little bit. She seemed too small to expose to the darker elements of life, the sadder stuff of which our existence is partly made. I decided that since we're going to attend a memorial party in Charlie's honor tomorrow, now was a good time to talk about what death means, at least as I understand and believe. Our little one is going to experience an abundance of sorrow around her, lots of people crying and talking about Charlie. She knew him, and I felt that not explaining what was happening would most likely prove to be more frightening than addressing the issue and attempting to give it some explanation. Using the book "Circle Round-Raising Children in Goddess Traditions", by Starhawk, Diane Baker and Anne Hill, was helpful. In the book is a short passage related to explaining death to a small child, as well as a story about how one Mom discussed death with her child in a way that didn't seem so scary. I used the basic framework and gave it my own spin (I wanted to be genuine as kids can spot anything phony a mile away and just reading out of the book might not really have seemed completely genuine). I explained that when we die our spirits go back to the Goddess to be cared for by her. I talked a little bit about how our souls rest and review what they've learned in the life they lead, and how sometimes they are reborn into a new life. I related that even though death is a passageway to a new life, the people left behind are usually very sad because they will miss the person who has passed on. Feeling proud of myself for broaching this difficult (for me) subject, I expected that some sort of discussion would ensue. Silly, silly Mommy!!!! Our daughter simply looked at me, smiled and continued to play with her Miami Hurricanes Ibis doll. I know that her little mind will work over what I said as time goes on, maybe tomorrow. For now, our house is quiet. I'm heading off to make a vegetarian chicken pot pie and hopefully turn in early to snuggle under the covers with a good book.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe Fourth of July holiday!

Some Rain is Falling

The rain is coming down outside right now, great splats washing the street out front, threatening to drown the newly planted moonflower seeds in our garden, singing on the rooftop. The thunder rumbling reminds me of story I once read about thunder and lightning storms being the product of the God Thor, hard at work at his forge. Our white shepherd pup is hiding underneath the desk with a very concerned look on his face. Probably, he should be concerned; I'm not really sure I should be sitting at the computer while lightning illuminates the sky outside my window and plan on shutting it off as soon as I finish writing this. Since we can't go out into the storm, though, I thought I'd take advantage of the free moment and blog a little bit about a recent event in our lives. My hope is that the rain will pass soon and little one and I can leave the house. So, far, it seems that every band of rain that passes over brings another of equal ferocity. At the rate we're going, I'll be going to the bank tomorrow.

The rainstorm matches the mood here, in a way. Yesterday one of my husband's employees, who also has been a friend of his for many years, suffered a heart attack on the job site and had to be rushed to the hospital. His daughters were brought there yesterday to visit, but he has not regained consciousness and the prognosis is not good. I'm so sad for his girls; I can clearly remember the emotions which ran through my heart and head when I lost my father at the age of 20, almost 21, many years ago. We'd hoped for some sort of miracle during the night; instead we were informed this morning that he'd died many times during the night and is now in electroshock from all of the shocking it took to bring him back. My husband is at the hospital as I type (we decided that it would be best to keep our young daughter away from the sadness of something she is still a bit young to be exposed to). I am expecting that at any moment he will call and tell me that our friend has passed over and it will be sad and troubling. Plans will need to be made for his daughter, who is fifteen. For now, the whole situation seems unreal. It makes me ever more conscious of the fact that life on this side of the veil could end at any moment, without any warning being given us. And, on that note, I think I will sign off. A minute or so ago my computer shut itself off in response to a lightning strike, or something equally as frightening. That's my cue; the Goddess might only offer one warning!